Zlatan has been a monster in the past few weeks for PSG, much like he has been for his entire career. Everyone knows that Zlatan is a complete sickhead – he even has a verb named after him in two different lanaguages goddammit – and one of the best parts of him is that he’s completely up himself and comes out with some of the most ridiculous quotes ever. Normally this would really piss me off but the fact is he can 100% back up most of the shit he says so it just makes him even cooler. Here’s a selection of some of his best:
How to shake off Stephane Henchoz:
“First I went left, he did too. Then I went right, and he did too. Then I went left again, and he went to buy a hot dog.”
Mind your own business:
Reporter: “You’ve got some scars on your face, Zlatan. What has happened?” Zlatan: “Well…I don’t know…you’ll have to ask your wife about that”
After being criticised by John Carew:
“What Carew does with a football, I can do with an orange.”
On refusing a trial at Arsenal:
“Arsene Wenger asked me to have a trial with Arsenal when I was 17. I turned it down. Zlatan doesn’t do auditions.”
After being asked by a female reporter about a photo of him and Gerard Pique hugging:
“Come over to my house with your sister, baby, and I’ll show you who’s gay!”
On having one too many celebrating Juventus’ 2005 title win:
“It was the fault of David Trezeguet, who made me do one drink of vodka after another. I slept in the bathtub. Now I hold my vodka much better.”
What Zlatan bought his wife for her birthday:
“Nothing, she already has Zlatan.”
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The wisdom of Pep Guardiola:
“Then Guardiola started his philosopher thing. I was barely listening. Why would I? It was advanced bullshit about blood, sweat and tears, that kind of stuff.”
On the enemy:
“Guardiola was staring at me and I lost it. I thought ‘there is my enemy, scratching his bald head!’. I yelled to him: ‘You have no balls!’ and probably worse things than that.”
On being misused at Barca:
“You bought a Ferrari but you drive it like a Fiat”
On the (other) Special One:
“Jose Mourinho is a big star … he’s cool. The first time he met (my wife) he whispered to her: ‘Helena you have only one mission. Feed Zlatan, let him sleep, keep him happy”‘ The guy says what he wants. I like him.”
Pep vs Jose:
“Mourinho is Guardiola’s opposite. If Mourinho brightens up the room, Guardiola pulls down the curtains and I guessed that Guardiola now tried to measure himself with him.”
Driving Barca crazy:
“At Barca, players were banned from driving their sports cars to training. I thought this was ridiculous — it was no one’s business what car I drive — so in April, before a match with Almeria, I drove my Ferrari Enzo to work. It caused a scene.”
On Mario Balotelli’s firework incident:
“I like fireworks too, but I set them off in gardens or kebab stands. I never set fire to my own house.”
Househunting with Zlatan:
“We are looking for an apartment (in Paris), if we do not find anything, then we will just buy a hotel.”
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