People who cheat are shit, everyone knows that. It’s really hard to like somebody who’s cheated because that aspect of their personality sorta makes you wary when you’re around them; if they’re ready and willing to cheat on their other half then what are they willing to do to their friends? You can’t trust ’em and it’s only a matter of time before their selfish needs ruin friendships. That’s why you always see your mate’s ex-missus, who cheated on him, with a different, diverse bunch of friends all the time who are mostly losers. She can’t keep a relationship, she can’t keep a friendship, she can’t keep her legs shut. Simple as. We all know one.

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But people who shag other people’s partners, in full knowledge they’re not single, are shit people as well. Even if you know the relationship isn’t going well, keep your cock in your boxers until the relationship’s over and the rubble’s settled and then crack on it like rabbits. But not when you know they’re in a relationship, that’s just plain not decent and is a sure-fire way to lose friends and respect.

And this woman learnt the hard way.

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29 year old Zimbabwean woman Chipo Sibanda – who’d developed a pretty nasty habit of seducing and sleeping with married men – woke up on Wednesday, 15th May, to discover that her vagina had seemingly sealed shut and she couldn’t pee. Hours before this terrible ordeal, Chipo had messed the sheets with the husband of Mai Tawanda (a woman known in the Matshobano surburb – where this event took place – as an unforgiving soul) and instantly thought Tawanda had placed a curse on her or it was an act of God. Either way, the vaginaless woman went to Tawanda to apologise and beg for forgiveness for her vagina to be unsealed.

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Upon asking Tawanda, Chipo was instantly beaten to the ground (Tawanda had previously warned Chipo to stay away from her husband – Chipo must have some killer chat-up lines) and continued to be beaten for 3 hours where, according to sources, Chipo didn’t utter a single sound. I dunno why she didn’t scream in pain or whatever but it seems Zimbabwe is a pretty trippy place to be at the moment. After the 3 hour beating, a source close to Chipo said that:

“She was set free 3 hours after the beating. She made a promise to Mai Tawanda that she would never see her husband or even come near him. That is when she was told to go to the toilet and check if her organ was back.”

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Upon checking in the john, Chipo’s fish mitten was restored to full working order. And she’s vowed never to mess around with married men again:

“I am sorry to all women I have wronged. It wasn’t my intention to break their marriages. It (the disappearance of her organ) was so scary and the thought that I couldn’t piss was frightening. I could feel that my bladder was full but I couldn’t do anything,” she said.

Who needs ecstasy in Zimbabwe, eh? Shaggers don’t, that’s for sure.