OK, so I ripped in to the iPhone App Cleverbot recently, and although it’s a bit dumb, at least there is some fun to be had with it, even if I was laughing at it rather than with it. But the following iPhone Apps are majorly sheiser. Honestly, I was gob smacked that anyone had spent their time and energy even thinking about them, let alone making them. Get ready to be dismayed at my top four shittest app downloads to date :

1) Happiness Diet

“Crappyness Shite” would have been a more apt title. So, to start with it gives you some vital science based, well written information like so:

Thanks for that. Then it asks you to go through the various food groups and put in the items you would prefer to eat:

All good so far. It then presents your choices to you and asks you if they will make you happy. You click yes or no, and then you get this incredible shit box end screen. And that’s that. That’s it, nothing more. No impressive formulas, nothing at all. What a joke. I am still a fatty and I’m planning on sueing:

“Eating with guilt… empty calories?” – WTF

2) ConfessionAL

Sometimes we all feel guilty about things we’ve done, so I thought I’d ease my brain burden by confessing all to my iPhone via this handy invention: ConfessionAL. Simply type your sin in the box, click save, it gives you a bible quote, you read that, then you’re forgiven. Simple as that. Think I might go on a bit of a killing spree if forgiveness is so easily earned:

3) Hue

Get ready for this, this really is genius. This app promises, among other things, to “help you work better in teams”. Great. I could do with that, I have a tendency to start setting people on fire if they question me. So I was excited to see if looking at a colour would help. High hopes. It asks you a couple of questions like these…

After the in depth personality delving questionnaire the App does some immensely complicated calculations. It probably uses quadratic equations and probably also uses Pi and possibly even long division. It then gives you your “colour”. I don’t know if I should really put my personal results in the public domain, it may be too telling of my true inner feelings and thoughts etc, but I think I can trust you guys? So this is me:

So that doesn’t help me at all. It doesn’t even give me a fvcking colour? Just percentages? You’re kidding right? How am I supposed to transpose this information in to a meaningful method of not setting team mates on fire? All it has done is made me want to set everyone on fire. I am incandescent with rage every time I think about the false hope this App gave me. We’d better move on before I raize the whole of East Sussex to the ground.

4) Dream Control

I really like the premise of this one. You leave your phone on the bed next to you as you sleep and it measures your motions and detects when you are in REM dream sleep and tries to plant sounds in to your brain so that your dream is sent in your chosen direction. Does it work? Of course it fvcking doesn’t. But I like the idea. There are a few dream theme options and I normally go for  like the underwater adventure. I’ve been using it for a week now and the only thing it’s done is show me how late it is when I eventually pass out:

At the very least this app has got graphs, it’s just a shame it doesn’t do bugger all. Maybe one day I will try it when I’m not smashed off my nut sack, maybe that would help?….. nah.