Group D

Uruguay

Manager: Óscar Wáshington Tabárez
Key man: Luis Suárez’

Uruguay are public enemy number one after they unceremoniously robbed the popular Ghanaians of a semi-final place in 2010. They will be hoping there is no place for karma with a collective list of misdemeanors as long as Luis Suárez’s estimate from the dentist.

Suárez will want to ‘bite the hand that feeds’ against England and then anyone with a bit of marinade on their shorts thereafter.

Costa Rica

Manager: Jorge Luis Pinto
Key man: Andy Najar

Costa Rica’s preparation has been boosted by Costa Coffee who will provide sponsorship and iced frappes to each player pre-match. The team are expected to peak around the 50 minute mark at each game before the shuddering comedown kicks in.

Do some Googling if you’re as confused as the rest of us how a name like Joel Campbell ends up on the Costa Rican team sheet. He did curl an effort past David De Gea in the Champions League so the rest of group D are naturally shitting bricks.

England

Manager: Roy Hodgson
Key man: Wayne Rooney

In a change to the usual hysteria drummed up by Harry Redknapp and Terry Venables , England go into a major tournament finally convinced they’ve got absolutely no chance of winning it. The young lions will want to spring a shock and give the country something to shout about since everyone pretended Andy Murray was English last summer. Roy Hodgson has also ordered a thorough inspection of the curiously German-manufactured goal line technology system. “We won’t get shafted up the arse this time”, he quipped.

Wayne Rooney has promised everyone he’s actually going to turn up to this World Cup and leave his kebab eating body-double Dwayne at home. Ross Barkley is tipped to be the new Gazza which is good news for England but not for his liver.

Italy

Manager: Cesare Prandelli
Key man: Andrea Pirlo

The Italians will be eager to repeat the passing domination they displayed against England in Euro 2012, albeit with more penetration this time. Silvio Berlusconi has been advising the team on the art of good penetration. Italy’s possession-game may be hampered by Andrea Pirlo having to wear sunglasses for the entire first half as part of his contract with Armani.

Mario Balotelli is an undoubted threat to the opposition as well as his own teammates, manager, or anyone else he’s got the arse with.

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