God bless the internet because I hadn’t planned on throwing up my lunch today but no, this woman just had to get caught masturbating with a pack of Jimmy Dean sausages in a Louisiana Walmart. We all have urges ok? We’re all human beings full of contentions, hypocrisies and insatiable sexual urges but would you not think about cracking one out before doing your weekly shop?

Shaniqua Johnson, who’s probably a supermodel in her spare time, was arousing suspicion when security cameras filmed her hiding sausages up her shirt before heading to the bathroom for thirty minutes. To be fair, it was like a whole pack of sausages.

The security guard, who was probably not expecting his shift to unfold like this, tried several times to enter the stall,. After several tepid, unresponsive knocks he announced he was entering. Big mistake. The guard said what he saw would “haunt his dreams forever”. Even more amazing is that Shaniqua didn’t even stop, “she just stared at me and kept going”, which I personally think is kind of flattering to the security guard to know he elicits as much sexual arousal as a pack of uncooked sausage meat.

I’ve never been to Louisiana but I imagine it’s kind of like a worse version of Florida, which everyone knows is a great place to die or be a rich white American. Thank you to Walmart and Shaniqua for confirming that Louisiana might be the closest thing to an unmitigated dystopia. If this story resonated with you and stirred some sexual feelings, maybe check out this other American supermarket that blasted porn over the tannoy