5. PEOPLE WHO GO SHOPPING ON BOXING DAY

I touched on this notion in my opening paragraph. What the hell is up with this? You’ve just spent two months shopping for all your ugly little cousins who will eat the box of Quality Street you bought them whilst using the wrappers to make dumb cards for next year’s celebrations. Your dad won’t ever wear the shirt you’ve bought him, because it makes him look like Will Young. He hates Will Young. Why the hell did you buy him the Will Young CD too? He hates him and his weird mouth that could fit twelve Toblerones in it simultaneously.

So back to the shopping. WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU ACTUALLY DOING WITH YOUR LIVES? Your dad may hate you for your Will Young based presents BUT for some unknown dumbass reason he still wants to spend Boxing Day with you, eating cold meats and playing board games. Maybe next year, instead of rushing out to buy a new washing machine, spend some more time with your family, and then you’ll know that all dad really wants is a copy of the Christmas Razzle and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange to stick up his ass.

To conclude this: next year, let’s all try and not do any of the things that I’ve mentioned above and all the lives of those around you will be vastly improved. My only other idea to improve the world is to merge the U.K and the U.S.A to form the U.K.S.A (United Killers of Sexual Abnormalities). The trigger-happy jerks in the NRA can then gun down all our celebrity paedos. See you next year.