So, we’re leaving the EU. Well done everyone.

Image VIA

Once upon a time, this country appeared to be going forwards – equality for women, equality for different races, free trade, free movement of people between European countries, an emphasis on keeping the peace. Not anymore.

Now we have to bow and scrape to British pride. As if British pride really is a thing.

There’s nothing wrong with being proud to be British, it’s just totally and utterly pointless. It’s the same as being proud of your hair colour or your blood group. You are British because you were born in Britain. And, even if Britain really was oh-so-fucking-fantastic, it would still be nothing to do with you.

But, the flag wavers have it. They are the majority. The Tories have fucked this land up so royally that the working class of this country are switching over to support the fascists as the “sensible” option. How fucked is that? Farage and BoJo are considered the safest choice? Jesus H. Christ on a bike. What a horror show.

Seeing as we’re going to have to share 52% of Britain with these people, I thought I should find out why Britain is considered to be so great, and try to understand exactly what I should be proud of.

To get to the bottom of this conundrum, I dug deep and examined a couple of articles from the bastions of casual racism – The Express and The Mirror. Both “news” papers have published articles on why we should be proud to be British, so I set out to examine their crystal clear reasoning.

In case you are a thoughtful, progressive liberal who prefers inclusivity over fascism, here’s your guide to British pride and the reasons why the people of Britain are so much better than everyone else… apparently.

Sports Pride

Image VIA

That’s right, according to The Mirror, we should be proud of Britain because of games. Despite being really shit at playing most of these games and consistently not winning anything, we did invent some of them.

Raise your flags, people, we created ping pong, rugby, football and a whole host of other meaningless games. That’s got to be a reason to turn victims of war away from our doorsteps, right? Come on, we invented lawn tennis, surely we should be allowed to stop Eastern Europeans from entering our country, right?

WWII Pride

Image VIA

Farage and his cronies absolutely fucking love bringing World War II into the debate. Yes, for the first time in our country’s history, we were on the right side during WWII. We beat the fascists and, alongside the rest of our allies (many of which took a great many more casualties than us – Russia for instance), we firmed up the future of European peace… at least until now.

Everyone seems willing to forget that Farage is massively racist. That’s what WWII was about, remember? It was anti-fascism… not pro-fascism. It’s important to remember that during WWII we fought for freedom and we fought alongside our neighbours.

We should remember the thousands of poor people who died fighting against racism; it should be a reason to kick against fascism, it certainly should not be a reason to support racism. Fucking knobs.

Music Pride

Image VIA

According to The Mirror, we should be proud to be British because of the music our country has produced. Again, just to reiterate, being proud of your country is akin to being proud of your hair colour. You had nothing to do with it.

Britain certainly has produced some good music, but, like all of the other countries, Britain has produced a raft of shit and/or banal music. The way in which The Mirror tries to get us to buy in to this reasoning is great though, so I will let them do the work, and I quote:

Britain is a musical land that gave the world everything from The Beatles to the Spice Girls. Mumford and Sons, Ed Sheeran, One Direction and Adele have dominated the charts overseas bringing in more than £100m to the UK through sales.

Feeling proud are you? Got that burning passion in your heart, have you? Great, huh?

Our Sense Of Humour

Image VIA

Ahhhh… the British sense of humour. Well, to be fair, we have knocked out some classic comedy over the years, it’s true. Fawlty Towers and Father Ted can not be beaten. However, should we all feel pride because of other people’s handiwork? No, not really.

Our sense of humour is misunderstood by many of our European buddies, does that mean that our wit is particularly excellent? Does it mean that we are so hilarious that most people don’t get it? Or, does it mean that we aren’t funny at all?

If we laugh and the rest of the world thinks we’re an idiot, perhaps we’re an idiot? Just sayin’. And, anyway, even if the British sense of humour truly is the best in the world, there’s no reason to drown migrants in order to prevent them from joining in the fun.

Oh, and racist jokes are shit.

British Food Pride

Image VIA

Sorry? British food? Look, I love a roast dinner as much as the next man, but it’s just cooked meat, veg and gravy, it’s not exactly a fucking masterpiece. Why do you think Chinese, Indian and Thai food is so popular? Because our food is average at best.

Personally, I don’t give a fuck whether our food is brilliant or not, we can eat whatever the fuck type of food we want to these days, so fuck it, whatever. But Jesus, please don’t say our food is a reason to be proud. Fuck’s sake.

THE EMPIRE MOTHER FUCKER

Image VIA

And last, but not least, the British fucking empire. Wow, this is the sickest joke of all. Everyone knows that, at one point in time, Britain pretty much owned half of the planet.

Of course, for racists this is great, because it means we were in charge of everyone else, they were our slaves and we could do what we liked with them. YAY BRITAIN!

In reality, we completely ruined communities around the world, just so we could steal their stuff. What actually went down all those years ago is not often discussed… why? Because we were massive cunts who killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people so we could line our pockets. PROUD.

We were the global baddies back in those days. Can you imagine if any other country on earth was attempting to take over other countries without reason? Oh, hang on, that’s what America’s doing… our mates… we are supporting America’s imperial drive and enjoying it vicariously. Yay, Britain!

There are whole books dedicated to the war crimes of Britain. You don’t read much about that in The Sun, do you? No, we only mention WWII, where we happened to be on the good side… for once.

To summarise: some British people are great, most are average and forgettable, and some are downright bastards. We’re the same as all of the other countries in that regard. If you read the right wing “news” papers – Daily Mail, The Sun, The Mirror etc. etc. you probably think this country really is better than all the rest – it’s not.

Humans are a bunch of idiots, and the sooner we realise that and try to work together to minimise the amount of shit we get wrong, we are doomed to war, torture, death and bigotry.

Fuck off British pride, you pointless fuck.