What Is She Wearing?

The majority of girls insist on wearing clothing that seems to serve no purpose as they try in vain to be perceived as fashionable. Here are my top 10 laughably illogical variants of clothing that turn girls into mauled, bloodied victims of fashion.

1) Tights with shorts: This only applies to denim shorts, although if you’re wearing Sport-Luxe shorts with tights then you’re merely a douche- bag. Come on girls; it doesn’t look great, it doesn’t make sense. It’s simple, wear a pair of jeans or don’t wear tights. We all know that the only reason you’re wearing the shorts is so that everyone can view that really attractive roll of butt fat spilling out the bottom. FAIL.

2) Boots with cut out sides: This one really baffles me. Boots are to keep your feet dry and warm, how is that going to happen with two massive fvck-off holes on each side. Oh god, how silly of me. I’ve just been told that in winter you just wear thick socks, I completely forgot that socks were waterproof.

3) Sunglasses in winter: If you’re not a celeb and you really insist on wearing bug glasses in winter then I’m just going to assume that you have a face like a mackerel hidden underneath.

4) Cropped jumpers/jackets: Again with the simple warmth factor, if you’re wearing a jumper or jacket then I’m going to presume you’re cold. So why, oh why, would you lop off half of it, you’re just going to freeze your ovaries.

5) Beanie hats in summer: I totally get you are just, you know, embracing the cool inner skater chick that you are. But looking like you fell in your laundry basket and left the house wearing a summer frock and massive beanie is not smoking hot.

6) Flip Flops: This one applies more to guys, but I see plenty of temperature ignoring females also strolling around wearing them. Sometimes I even see people wearing them in the deep darkest months of winter, it’s truly mind baffling. Trainers take minutely more time to put on than flip flops and you save yourself looking like a twat and getting frost bite, so next time, just put on a pair of actual shoes.

7) Ugg Boots: Another footwear fail, this time I can kind of understand the attraction, but when I see a girl wearing Ugg boots with a beanie hat all I see is the personification of a giant mushroom.

8) Knee High Socks: This is only acceptable if you are wearing a schoolgirl outfit otherwise you are merely conforming to a weird pseudo-paedophilic ideal. On a more practical level, why would you keep your knees and shins warm but completely ignore your fragile lady bits? If you persist in this fashion fail then I hope they drop off.

9) Headbands: This one is quite specific, I get woollen or fur headbands that keep your ears warm, but the teensy tiny glittery headband that girls wear over their forehead a good inch below their hairline. Why do they do that? It serves absolutely no purpose; headbands are to keep your hair off your face. If the band doesn’t touch your hair then how is it supposed to keep your face free from hair? Makes no sense. End of.

10) Heel Less High Heels: You know the ones I mean girls, the ones that make you look like Mr. Tomnas. They’re not sexy, they’re not even that cool and fashion forward, Amy Childs wears them for God’s sake! And once you’ve had a couple of drinks you are going to look like a drunken slutty Bambi.

So this concludes the Sick Chirpse guide of clothing to avoid if you don’t want to look like you’re auditioning for ‘The Only Way is Fvcking Retarded.’ If you want to look good and temperately acceptable then check out our Sick Chirpse T-Shirts. We’ll leave you with a video of someone trying to walk in those heel less high heels, just to illustrate how dumb the are. Enjoy.