Three weeks ago I was in South Korea and possibly caused the underground nuclear bomb that was in the news after pissing off Kim Jon-Un by taking a photo at the “no-photo” area of the recently closed DMZ, a place where humourless soldiers with big fucking guns stare at each other all day.

Whilst there I bought myself a little souvenir, a 13 year old bottle of North Korean Deer Antler Rice Wine. This stuff looks so dated it resembles a background image from a Wolfenstein game, it’s 35% and has chunks of deer antler in it, and apparently it’s an aphrodisiac which will give a man an erection hard enough to kill a yak. I had no idea nibbling on a deer’s horn gave people boners, so decided to find out what other things people consume to help get their freak on….

Everyone knows about the standard natural aphrodisiacs such as oysters and ginger, which work on the body, getting you in the mood and possibly giving you a thrill drill. Then there are substances like alcohol, MDMA and coke which work on the mind by either making Jessica Fletcher (Murder She Wrote) look like Jessica Alba or just making you so horny you’d use your one hole friction whistle on a microwaved melon. Someone apparently did this – it burnt off his cock so I advise you not to attempt it.

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Spanish Fly

Apparently one of the ‘most famous’ aphrodisiacs is Spanish fly, which is funny because A: I’ve never heard of it B: it works by causing irritation and swelling and C: it’s not even made from a fly. So the Spanish Lie (see what I did there) is made from the acidic secretion of the kneecaps of beetles, nice. Humans will munch these beetles, piss out what happens to be a toxic chemical, and it will irritate your jolly roger until it becomes hard and itchy. Ummm, I suppose the result means you have the BEST way to scratch that itch, but eating toxic beetle knee pit juice which leads to a cock rash? Now I see why the PR guy called it Spanish fly.

Bird’s Nest Soup

Birds make nests, the Asian swift is a bird, and it makes its nest by regurgitating a concrete like chemical onto cave walls in China. These nests are dangerously difficult to gather, so once collected, soaked overnight and boiled into a tasty broth a bowl of this Happy Gilmore inducer is around $100, thus giving it the nickname of “caviar of the East.” I don’t care how much it cost, it still looks like someone has sicked up a bowl of marmalade and if I ate this in front of a woman I’m pretty sure she would vomit.

Rhino Horn

This is clearly not a photo of a rhino, but I’m going to guess you know what a rhino looks like, so enjoy this man’s homemade rhino outfit. Rhino’s are awesome. They are like steroid pumped unicorns. Rocksteady from the Ninja Turtles was a rhino which in itself is the proof that rhinos are badass. They are so badass that the Chinese pay incredibly large amounts to drink illegally poached black rhino horn soup, and since a horn is essentially just a massive toenail, it seems like a waste of money and badass unicorn. Silly China.

Cobra Blood

FUCK, I mean, come on, if eating a glorified rhino toenail is badass then drinking cobra blood is like being god damn Wolverine. From the Philippines to China, people have been drinking the fresh blood of a cobra to max out their wang for over 2000 years. Apparently hundreds of people die every year from trying to catch the poisonous little shits, but once you’ve got one, enjoy it with a bit of whiskey and let your Great Wall of China commence.

Wolf Meat

Ah man, another hardcore cool ass animal. I like wolves, anyone who watches Game of Thrones knows that they are man’s best (face eating) friend. However in Mongolia the meat of a wolf can fill you full of manly wolf lust, and since over 16,000,000 men in central Asia are distantly related to the Mongolian warlord Genghis Khan, who are we to argue with its ability to cause a bone daddy capable of 16 million worth of descendants?

Balut

Supposedly as common as a pretzel or hotdog in New York, this street food in the Philippines is a duck egg with a 20 day old foetus inside. This scrumptious delight is eaten by sucking the fluid out, and then chomping down on the curled up duck inside. If these things are so common, and people eat them in the street, does that mean the streets of The Philippines are congested with horny men?  Also, if a lady saw you chewing on a duck foetus, I’m not sure if even the largest purple veined sex maraca would get you laid.

Fugu

Anyone who’s seen the Simpsons episode where Homer eats blowfish knows about this stuff. One of the most poisonous creatures of the sea, and surprisingly one of the cutest (fuck off Nemo) a license is needed to prepare the fish in Japan, meaning a serving can cost upwards of $150. It’s said that as long as you aren’t served a deadly cut, the nontoxic part of the fugu will make you tingle all over, others say it’s the sake-soaked testicles of the fish that get you in the mood to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Maybe it’s joy of not dying after spending three day’s wages on some toxic fish that makes you DTF?

Sea Cucumber

You may have seen one of these dong dittos at Seaworld or any other decent aquarium. They are long, phallic shaped creatures that stiffen and squirt fluid when touched… So uh, I guess if you are what you eat then that’s reason to eat one? Once prepared, usually in Chinese markets (the Chinese seem to love weird shit to get their purple headed yogurt slingers ready for action), they taste like pork fat with a rich and buttery taste, but at costing just $1 these may not live up to your cock-a-saurus Rex-pectations.

So all of these strange delicacies are still being consumed for sexy times today, it’s strange that they’ve not fallen by the wayside over the years such as carrots and cucumbers which are now just fucking salad, or been replaced by something easier to obtain such as chocolate. This would explain why men give girls trays of the stuff every Valentine’s Day, and if it really is an aphrodisiac may explain why the west is so footloose compared to our more sexually conservative cousins in the east.

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Science has looked into aphrodisiacs and found there is truth in many of them for one reason or another. Licorice was eaten in ancient China for love making purposes and was proven to increase blood flow to your member by 13%, but then again recently the mighty doughnut was shown to increase the blood flow to your johnson by 35%, which explains why American cops are so intense.

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So go for a run to release some endorphins, munch a doughnut to increase blood flow to your pork sword and go get your freak on, make us proud people.

Penis, ahem.