Here Are All The Reasons Why We Hate Children

Children. They are our future. Whitney Houston sang about that once. She’s dead now, so whichever future she was talking about, it probably wasn’t hers. But yes, children. They’re everywhere, filling the world with their smiles and laughter. Children! So pure! So innocent! So….childlike!

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I call bullshit on all of the above. SERIOUS bullshit.

Children are annoying and hugely overrated. They ruin almost everything. They ruin public transport. The simple process of getting from A to B becomes a Dickensian ordeal of crying, screaming, vomiting little fleshbags taking up all available space so the already arduous task of traversing London becomes that little bit (or alot, depending on how many of them there are) more unbearable.

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My “favourite” is when Ma and Pa Shitbag give an entire seat on the Tube over to their precious little unique slowflake so he/she/it can have their own little space and elbow everyone in the ribs. Put them in your lap you idiots, I’ve been at the intestine removal plant all day and I want to sit down so I can at least stare into nothingness in a mild state of comfort. Your seed has gotten away with enough as it is.

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Children ruin eating out. On more than one occasion I’ve been in a cafe or restaurant only to see and hear some diminutive mongoloid losing their shit worse than Linda Blair in The Exorcist, seemingly making an Olympic effort to commit suicide from screaming, while their smug fucking pilates parent sits there babbling inanely with their equally smug companions about how annoying it is that Sainsbury’s don’t sell the same organic tofu you can get in Whole Foods.

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If I started playing Slipknot on a boombox people would order me to leave, yet somehow these same people tolerate an abomination in a pushchair making the kind of noises that make me want a vasectomy for my next birthday.

Children ruin people. Ordinary, rational men and women suddenly become prize idiots of the highest order when they produce offspring. Pictures of newborn mutants dominate all manner of social media and my Facebook feed is a catalogue of drooling, cow-eyed hapless imps. Baby On Board stickers go in the back of vehicles because, as we all know, life is no longer precious or important unless it is an infant. Everything stops. People who I love dearly suddenly vanish off the face of the earth and are not seen for years at a time because they must now attend to the every whim of their pint-sized succubus. What a bunch of fucking pussies.