I’m guessing most of you, if not all of you, know what Quidditch is, right? That fvcking weird little ‘sport’ that J.K. Rowling invented in the Harry Potter books. Basically, there are two teams who play against each other, flying around on brooms, throwing balls through massive hoops to score the equivalent of goals but the game is immediately over if a tiny golden ball with wings (called the snitch) that’s fast as fvck is caught by a player called the seeker. As you can guess, good old Harry is the seeker and he becomes even more of a hero when he catches the snitch than he already is for being the only wizard who isn’t a pussy and can stand up that hideous cunt Voldemort. What a twat.

Anyway, Quidditch was a fictional sport. Now it’s not. Some (pretty bored) Harry Potter enthusiasts in America have actually made Quidditch a real sport and from their pretty humble beginnings there’s now a whole shedload of teams who like to run around a pitch with a broom between their legs. At first, I thought ‘what the fvck, this looks like something you’d see in a nerd’s wet dream’ but I’ve had a bit more time to think about it now and seeing as Quidditch is apparently a contact sport, I reckon it’d be worthwhile to whack the shit out of some of the other players and you also get to rugby-tackle/piledrive/5-star frog splash/whatever the snitch – who’s just someone dressed in a yellow T-shirt (who’s probably the kid that no-one likes) running away from you as you chase him like some sort of hyena to win the game for your team. Your team can sit back and watch and debate what spell is the best to use for them to lose their virginity. I probably would never play it, though, as I don’t want to look like a childish cunt running around with a broom and neither would I wear a T-shirt with my Quidditch team’s name on. They look like a seven-year-old’s pyjamas. And I’m no paedo.

Watch the video and decide for yourself – is Quidditch a sport for losers? Or has it got enough life in it to appeal to everyone? One thing, fo’sho’, though, is that it’s no tazer ball. Not even close. Oh yeah, keep an eye out for Nuran. LAD.

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