As titles for video games go, Metal Gear Rising Revengeance is a tad on the clumsy side (though it’s not as bad as Dissidia 012 Final Fantasy Duodecim, which is an actual thing that exists and is fucking ridiculous). Equally as unwieldy a title for this magnificent game, and arguably a more accurate one, would be: Cut The Absolute Living Shit Out Of Everything, because that is precisely is what you will be doing.
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Metal Gear Rising Revengeance (ugh) is a spin-off of the hugely popular Metal Gear Solid series. But instead of that bloke with the mullet and a silly voice sneaking around trying not to get spotted, this time you play as some badass cyborg who doesn’t really mind if he gets spotted as it means he can use his big bastard sword in order to SLICE SHIT UP. And make no mistake, you will be slicing up a lot of shit.
Among the things you can slice are: people, cars, trees, crates, buildings, helicopters, gates, fences, oil drums, giant robots and watermelons. At one point in the game there’s a cat walking around but the nimble feline effortlessly dodges every single thrust of your sword before going back to regular cat activities like being smug and wanting some sap to give it a tin of Felix. For the record, I wasn’t expecting to be able to hit the cat in the first place, I just liked watching it jump out of the way for the lolz. Hurting cats is WRONG, even in video games.
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The single most enjoyable thing in the game is Blade Mode, where you can slow down time like in The Matrix and get well and truly stuck into some seriously sexy dismemberment action. If you use your sword at exactly the right moment, your foe is powerless to stop you as you proceed to turn him into moist crimson chunks of human sashimi. A hit counter tells you exactly how many times you’ve sliced the poor bastard to bits. The other night I got a tally of 92. There was blood everywhere and bits of him flying all over the place while he was going “NNOOOOOOOOOOO!” and it was AMAZING;
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Metal Gear Rising Revengeance (christ) was made in Japan and boy does it show. The game is totally monkeyshit in all the best ways and continually flings one OTT set-piece after another at you. In the first 15 minutes alone you will battle a robot the size of a building and jump on top of flying missiles like they were stepping stones and all kinds of crazy stuff. I haven’t finished it yet but I can tell I’m going to be sad when it ends but that’s okay because I can just play it on harder difficulty and slice people up even MORE. Headshots are for pussies, REAL men do their dirty work with a sword. This game is a “cut” above the rest (cue sound of your correspondent getting punched in the face).
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