Vampires: Los Muertos (2002)
Derek Bliss (Jon Bon Jovi)
You may remember John Francis Bongiovi, Jr under his alias Jon Bon Jovi. You may remember him from the self-titled band he helped form, Bon Jovi. You may remember him smashing out a couple million hit records with that band. You may remember him for his brief stint as Mr Ally Mcbeal. You may not remember him as Derek Bliss vampire slayer.
Technically a sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires – and technically not really classed as an actual film because it’s complete shit – Los Muertos is the reason JonBon made the cut as a top vampire hunter. To save all the SickChirpse readership from wasting 93 minutes of their lives – here’s a brief synopsis of just how he made the list:
Derek was chilling out in Mexico living the life as a freelance vampire slayer and picking up all the cheap jobs that Buffy wouldn’t take on – until he got hired by an unknown client and asked to build a team of slayers. Team slayer includes a vampiress struggling with her afflicion, a bloke called Rodrigo who pretends to be a Priest but looks more like he cleans pools at a resort in Benidorm, and a 14 year old kid named after one of the more prominant members of Dirty Sanchez (who carries a permission slip signed by his mother agreeing to let him become a vampire hunter). I would say *spoiler alert* but it really is that crap.
Vampires attack. JonBon steps up. Vampires attack again. JonBon steps up. JonBon sets up a team of vampire slayers. They all step up. Loads of priests get killed by vampires. Vampires walk in the day light and cause serious shit. JonBon steps up and fires the dead vampire into the sun and drives off into the sunset with a B-movie attractive kind of girl in a cadillac. Fin.
