We’ve got some bad news for people who like watching weird porn online – apparently a bill has passed through Parliament that will see the UK banned from accessing websites that portray a whole range of non-conventional sexual acts.

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This includes pictures and videos that show spanking, whipping or caning that leaves marks, as well as urination, squirting and periods and also public sex. OK, firstly, I think that it’s wrong to ban any of these, but in particular female ejaculation. I mean, some women squirt involuntarily – how can you ban something that is completely natural?

The proposal will force internet service providers to block sites hosting content that would not be certified for commercial DVD sale by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC). This is part of the same bill that will also enforce strict age verification checks in order to stop kids from getting access to porn, which I think is fair enough.

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In order to enforce this new law, many mainstream adult websites will have to render entire sections inaccessible to UK audiences. A spokeswoman for the BBFC said that it would also check whether sites host porno that it would refuse to clarify:

In making this assessment, we will apply the standards that we apply to pornography that is distributed offline. If a website fails on either of these [age verification or obscene content] tests then a notification of non-compliance will be sent to the site.

I get that porn needs to be regulated in a sense – after all, if the lines get too blurred then we’re in danger of allowing illegal content making its way online (the amount of “young teen” videos on PornHub is worryingly high). But I think it’s unfair to block the activities that are a part of a normal sex life – squirting, whipping etc. It doesn’t leave us with much to work with.

Then again, maybe if this goes far enough we might be forced to quit porn altogether and use our imaginations again. I’ve almost forgotten what that feels like.