Ah, Valentine’s Day. The day where men spend way too much money on gifts that barely last 24 hours and where girls act like not having a man is fine, but really they’re dying on the inside because they know there’s nothing more insecure in this world than a girl with no boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. Let’s face it – the only real winners today are girls who have boyfriends. The rest of us, boys and girls, are fucked.
Here are 7 types of people you’re bound to come across this Valentine’s Day:
7. Girl Who Gets Flowers Sent To Work
For the girl who gets flowers sent to her at work on Valentine’s Day it isn’t about the flowers, it’s about being able to Instagram/Facebook/Tweet the flowers to the rest of the planet. Gotta let all the other females out there know that your boyfriend completely smashed it with the flowers this year. Did your boyfriend send you flowers at work? No? What about yours? He did? OK let’s compare flowers — my flowers are bigger! It’s like the female version of comparing dick size.
6. Cringe Social Media Sweet Boy
This guy is cringe to the extreme. Always has a status like “Dear (girlfriend), since the day I met you I’ve known what true happiness is. I can’t believe how lucky I am and thank god everyday. Bless you for coming into my life and showing me what real love is.” Fuck’s sake man, we get it. Your girl doesn’t give blowies and you’re thinking these V Day PDAs might cut some mustard tonight. Tone it down a tad before she goes to town on you with her strap-on.
5. Girl Who’s Glad To Be Single
Get a load of all these losers getting dressed up and going on dates on Valentine’s Day! God how desperate can you get? I don’t need a man – I’d rather spend V day drinking red wine and eating a whole pizza to myself in bed. Usually said with a razor blade clasped firmly in a trembling hand, as she rocks in a dark corner.
4. Girl Who’s Devastated Because Boyfriend Broke Up With Her Week Before Valentine’s Day
This girl isn’t actually annoying or anything, but it’s kinda upsetting to know she exists. Genuinely doesn’t want to know or talk/see/hear about Valentine’s Day. Just wants to suffer alone in silence. I’m not gonna make fun of her because I don’t want to be in her suicide note when she ODs on Haagen Dasz tonight.
3. The Loved Up Couple
Valentine’s Day is the perfect platform for this couple to let the world know how in love they are, especially with social media at their fingertips. Writing on each other’s walls, commenting on old photos, tagging in songs and statuses. Hey guys if you’re so in love then you must’ve swapped phone numbers by now. Why not text? How about a good old-fashioned phone call? I’d rather watch a couple full on snog in public than read their lovey dovey shit on Facebook.
2. Guy Who Tries It On With All The Girls
This guy’s brain cells go off when he clocks any girls that are boyfriend-less on Valentine’s Day. “You’re single too? Haha— we’re the smart ones ;). “Don’t worry you’ll find the one for you soon enough, I’ve got a good feeling.” Wink wink. Just smothering her in dumb compliments hoping the convo somehow magically turns to her wanting to have sex with him.
1. Girl Who Asks All The Boys To Be Her Valentine
This girl is the worst. At school one year one fittie asked me to be her Valentine. Naturally I was happy as Larry and said yes! I kept waiting for her to ask me to go to the toilets with her or something, then 5 minutes later I see her asking some other dude to be her Valentine! WTF? Never really got over that.
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