The tale of his Most Haunted demise is consummately satisfying. One of Derek’s colleagues on the show, Ciaran O’Keeffe, was clearly well jel and wanted to fuck up Derek’s shit. Ciaran O’Beef. This is him with some kind of frickin’ laser.

So… he invented this dude called Kreed Kafer and wrote his name down on a piece of paper, which was planted so that Derek would stumble upon it. Then, within earshot of our forsaken stooge, O’Beef had a conversation regarding the fictitious Kreed Kafer, claiming he was an unscrupulous South African jailor. Derek, spotting his opportunity, then went on film and went off on one pretending to be possessed by a ruthless screw named Creed Kaifer. Oh dear Derek. Looks like you’ve been rumbled pal.

Whilst Derek may have spent a lifetime honing his dubious skills in deception and manipulation, he wasn’t sharp enough to notice that Kreed Kafer is an anagram of Derek Faker. BOOM. Nasty mate. Wounded. Check out his little performance. I love it so much.

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbF_l5nwmGs’]

In a more unsettling chapter, during a 2012 interview with popular high-brow broadsheet The Sun, Derek Faker announced, even after being revealed as a fraud, that he had conferred with his ghost bud Sam and ascertained that Madeleine McCann had, contrary to the belief held by her parents, indeed perished, so there was no need to continue the search.

So yeah, have no illusions, this wretched little coward is a villain and a charlatan, and furthermore, he doesn’t mind exploiting the unspeakable grief of a bereaved mother if he thinks it will get him some exposure on page seven of The Sun. Don’t get me wrong; I have big problems with misapplied sentimentality but these are real people. People whose lives have been shattered and who are entirely aware of Acorah’s little declaration. To publicly make light of their anguish is savage and it is unforgivable. I wouldn’t piss up Derek Faker’s arse if his kidneys were on fire.

Anyway, following his exposure by the crafty Ciaran O’Beef, Acorah was swiftly despatched from Most Haunted and the show suffered a torturous, lingering death, finally being decommissioned in August 2010. Which is all a bit of a laugh isn’t it?

Tune in next time to find out why I fucking hate Ski Sunday. Not really. It’ll probably just be Loose Women again.

See ya there buddies.