The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box.

Rather than posting the most juicy ones from last week, today we’ve decided to bring you a round up the top 20 best ever reader confessions. Enjoy:

Jay

I was so depressed about splitting up with my girlfriend, that I didn’t come into work for a week. Work rang and I told them that my mum had died and that the funeral was in another week. Anyway, everyone at work (about 60 people) have given their condolences and that. Still carrying on with the lie. Someone is going to find me out eventually.

Thenandnow

I’ve been propositioned twice my whole life, which is sad in itself, but the first time, I’d gone to the cinema with this girl who I knew was game for it, after we came out of the film, I farted, quietly, but realised I’d followed through pretty strongly, and then had to put off going to her house with my shitty underwear and go home instead with a ‘I like you but don’t want us to sleep together yet’, line. She blew me off the next day as she thought I was a bit of a sexual prude and for the next few months I was well gutted, never really got over it to be honest, that was about 8 years ago.

IWasBornInTheDarkness

Last week my room mate brought home this tinder girl and because our beds are in the same room, I had to listen to a whole weekend of them fucking when they thought I was asleep. Instead of telling them to shut up, I had wank to the sound of her sharp breaths, while thinking of my room mates little sister. (Solid 9/10). Not even slightly ashamed. Great wank.

Akhillez

I saw my friend stab a random person in the stomach for no reason other than he was having a bad night. I didn’t say anything for a few weeks but then went to the police and grassed him up after he almost did something similar. Some might say I’m a snitch but I wipe my arse with comments like that — you stab someone you deserves to go to jail, simple.

MEGABUM

Once I was coming back from visiting a girlfriend in glasgow on a megabus over night, her mum had made me this dog awful chilli (she boiled the mince)…it smelt so gross. Anyway after I finished the boiled mince and undercooked rice I got on the megabus. About 3am I woke up as I need to be sick fast BOTH ENDS. I destroyed the toilet, like it looked like a bomb hit it. No one on the coach was awake..about an hour after my fight with the bog and old woman went in the toilets and freaked out massively. The coach pulled over and the driver was questioning everyone to figure out who did it. When it was my turn I basically grassed in a drunk Scottish guy who was asleep at the back of the bus….the driver kicked him off the coach. Don’t regret it

creasy

One day during Gottwood festival I took a tab of acid accompanied with a concoction of other things. I ended up leaving my friends and walking round like a crab for hours, during this crabby state I released I hadn’t had a shit in three days so I ended up curling one out in a randomers nearby tent. Would’ve loved to see their reaction upon finding it.

retro adam

Once I was having sex with my girlfriend in reverse cowgirl while I worked her arse with a butt plug. We got a bit carried away and I ended up losing the butt plug inside her arse prompting the biggest panic freak out ever on her part. In the end I calmed her down and managed to pull it out along with that day’s poop. Surprisingly we are still together and all the closer for it.

KarmasABitchAndSoAreYou

My flatmates’s a right nasty piece of work who’s made my life hell the last few months – sheerly because she’s a psycho spoiled bitch who has to have her way. This has resulted in me moving out early and losing my entire deposit. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been dipping her toothbrush in my pissy toilet water every day, and have signed her up to dozens of those ‘win voucher’ websites so she gets bombarded with sales calls. Oh, and I swapped her vegan sausages for identical pork ones. Suck on that bitch!

WASTER345

Had to decide between paying my car insurance and having enough coke for a friend’s birthday this month. Now I’ve just got to hope no one crashes into me.

LIONKYYD

Anytime I’m shagging my girlfriend and thinking about another girl, a part of me worries that she can read my mind but can’t say anything otherwise her powers will be revealed

Wanker

I still masturbate to 2 girls 1 cup.

ROWDYNEWZEALAND

At the start of the year, my typical week was study for a few days then get on the grog Thursday, Friday, Saturday. These days it’s just been blaze pretty much all day everyday, with acid trips or MD every week. Also got myself into 13k student debt with nothing to show for it, crashed both my cars, and blew all my 5k savings on weed, alcohol and food. I don’t feel like I’ll ever regret it though.

Mummyissues

The other day my girlfriend came round my house and my mum started talking about embarrassing stories from when I was young. Things took a dark turn when she started talking about the time when I was five and she walked into her room to find me with her tights on and a boner. I genuinely think my gf’s contemplating breaking up with me now. Cheers mum.

IWishMkatWouldComeBack

About a year ago I had a really dodgy experience with some coke that turned out to be speed. Anyway I went and got it checked out and found out I had a weird heart condition and was advised to stay away from anything that might put stress on my heart – this included large amounts of caffeine so god knows what amphetamine would do to it. I didn’t know how to break this to the lads so I just haven’t so when we go out I’ve ended up having to pretend I’m gurning my nut off to some Drum and Bass when infact I’m completely sober. Its been ruining my weekends for a while now.

Sunday School

I had an ex who was fairly religious. She had a metal crucifix she used to wear around her neck, and every time she went past a church she used to kiss the crucifix. I never saw her wash it in our 2 year relationship. Anyway, whenever she sucked my dick with me lying on the bed, I could feel it (it was cold metal)  moving up and down from my asshole along my gooch and back again. I never told her, and she still kisses the cross every time she goes past a church, presumably now with her new partner’s ass germs.

Manitary towel

My second day at a new job the nerves were obviously slightly higher than normal. I wore some awful rectro light grey suit. Whilst sat pretending to work I felt my potty knickers starting to get moist from a sweaty crack. I made a move to the bog to investigate. Once I bent over I turned around and in my horror I saw my whole arse soaked through. I panicked and decided to make a manitary towel. Once I got home I went to remove it and it wasn’t there. Concerned it was stuck to my desk – I visited the job centre the next day.

Ljm346

When I was at uni I hooked up with this girl who’s probably the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I don’t know how my lines were working so well but I was at peak confidence. We have some drinks then on the way home we walk past her apparently ex boyfriend and his friends and she tries to make him jealous by kissing me in front of him. He just walked past and said “have fun mate” and winked at me. Get to hers, have drunk sex, nothing special. About three weeks later I got to the doctor because I’ve bumps on my dick. Herpes and chlamydia. I learnt my lesson, but fuck her and fuck him for not saying something.

shaolinstoner

I was staying at a friends 2nd floor apartment the night before a flight, and really needed a wank. I used a tissue to clean up, and cos I was high, felt paranoid about leaving the living room to flush it in the bathroom (it was 2am and we were all up early). So I threw the sinful tissue out of the window, only for it to get snagged in the branch of a tree right outside, in plain view of the apartment. I tried to dislodge it with a broom handle, to no avail. The next morning, I was smoking out the same window, staring at the tissue and hoping it fell out of the tree before my mate and his flat mate woke up. Luckily, a gust of wind freed the tissue and it fell to a bush below, just seconds before a litter picker walked by, looked askance at it, and placed it in his bin.

It was the perfect crime.

realeyes

One guy I work(ed) with is in charge of the music that gets played through our building via Bluetooth, as we all agreed he had the best taste in music. Anyway last week he goes to the toilet without realising his phone is still hooked up to Bluetooth, and starts watching porn. It was a proper hardcore with the girl going “fuck me with that big black cock” (he’s black). Everyone heard it and it was the most equally funny and horrifying scene ever. The guy comes back in after a few minutes and has no idea what’s just happened, and our VP calls him into the office and fires him. Now I’m in charge of the music 🙂

Winning.Hamwanker

I once wanked off into a ham sandwich in my school’s toilet and ate it because I had the horn massively and didn’t think just wanking would satisfy it. Two bites in I realised I’d made a huge mistake a ruined a perfectly good sandwich.

—

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – submit a better one for us HERE.