Who wants to know about a massive, prehistoric snake that used to wander about leisurely eating crocodiles? Everyone does. FACT. We all want to hear about terrifying things that we don’t have to worry about. That’s why world news comes on before the snooze inducing local news on the telly. Global news is always about stranger dangers across the other side of the globe; Towns so far away that their names are spelled only in vowels, places and faces so foreign that they can never impact on our glib, armour plated lives. But still we watch the evil. Why? I call it “Danger in absentia” or “Comfort Terror” – I coined those phrases myself, use them as you please. I reckon it’s that we get that adrenaline fueled, sticky up hairs feeling, that fight or flight rush, but all from the comfort of our beige, slightly worn couch. A bit of a head buzz, all thanks to some people and places less fortunate than us getting screwed over by plagues or despots or gangs or whatever. Unfortunately as humans I reckon we all revel in the sweet, milky blackness of our own fear.

So enough pondering. Lets get on with learning about something else that’s terrifying that we don’t have to worry about: TITANOBOA. This fella was making a fuss about 50,000,000 years ago, just after our good friends the dinosaurs completed their mass suicide pact (that’s my theory on where they went anyway.) Get this, he could reach up to fifty feet long and up to three feet thick. Mostly his remains have been found in Columbia where modern day Anacondas now chill out and crush furry things to death. Titanoboa however was uninterested in eating furry rubbish, he was after the big guys. Crocodiles. Swallowed whole. BOOM! Crocodiles are so arrogant these days, walking around all like “Oh yeah, nothing could frig with me!” Well let’s rewind the clock a few years or so and see how you get on there you stuck up, semi-aquatic dickheads.

There are some people that wonder if there could still be a few of these critters knocking about, left over from prehistory, holed up in some sweaty, dank forest somewhere. How something like that could keep a low profile I’m not sure, whether they are in uncharted areas or not, that is one big bugger to stay hidden anywhere. But, I am happy to think there may be some somewhere…. I want that to be true… let’s slip in to my thoughts briefly shall we……

I may be getting carried away, but imagine if they found one and managed, somehow, to capture it. Maybe then we could build an amphitheater and revert back to the heady, blood filled, splatter-core era of the Romans? Thousands cheer as they send in the first wave of lions to be destroyed, then the crowd roars “SEND IN THE BEARS!!!” – all fifty of them… dead. Round 3: eight billion wasps…. nature’s most cunning killer, not even a scratch on him. Penultimate phase: One hundred gorillas with knives sellotaped to their fingers, there’s an awful lot of blood, but the mighty snake shows no mercy. Last ditch attempt….. send in Kimbo Slice.