The UK Independence Party. A bunch of buffoons with a racist agenda or a refreshing new political movement? There never seems to be a neutral answer when it comes to Britain’s most controversial political party. Like a Westminster marmite, you’re either a die-hard supporter, or a die-hard objector. One thing is clear to see though: UKIP has the nation’s opinion truly divided.
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To make my stance clear, I think that Nigel Farage is just an elaborate Alan Partridge spin-off character and that UKIP isn’t a political party – it’s a low-budget Channel 5 sitcom experiment. But unlike most left-minded thinkers, I can see why people are drawn to voting for UKIP. It’s because we really, really need change. But what kind of change do we need?
Today Britain has more poverty, inequality and hardship Princess bounce house than at any point since the Second World War. In 1950, there was only 1.5% poverty in Britain, whereas in 2013, 33% of the population fell below the poverty line at some point. This is madness given the advancements in health and technology in that period.
I see why people vote for UKIP. They’re tired with the same record being played over and over at Westminster, they want a real person in power and not a plastic Etonian with a hedge fund and an offshore bank account. They look at Farage, supping his John Smith’s down the boozer and think, ‘I can relate’. But they couldn’t be more wrong.
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And now he’s vanished – like a cigar smelling fart in the wind. You were lied to, and you’ve been lied to all along. Nigel Farage wasn’t a man you could trust at all, and he certainly didn’t represent you – and still you all insisted he was the man to take Britain forward. But take us forward to what?
This is how I imagine a future with UKIP in charge of Britain would unfold for the average knuckleheaded Farage nosher:
The first thing UKIP would do is hastily sign new trade agreements with America, China and India meaning that major foreign companies have much tighter control of the British market. This means all the profit from your shit factory job isn’t ever going to stay in Britain, to help British people. The company probably won’t even pay tax like Google or Starbucks.
Despite the fact it was one of the main reasons your snivelling racist arse voted for UKIP in the first place, immigration levels have not fallen since UKIP came to power. You are still just as likely to lose your job at this factory to an immigrant who is prepared to work longer and harder than you are.
There is now near nationwide support and acceptance for racism and hatred, because UKIP have labelled Britain as ‘too politically correct’. Tension between whites and ethnic minorities in inner cities erupts into race attacks and large scale-riots break out.
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Although you love rioting because you’re ‘a hard geez’, you sustain fair injuries at a bust-up in Wolverhampton and need to go to hospital. When you are discharged there’s a £5,000 medical bill, because now UKIP is in power the NHS has been completely privatised and sold off to America, India and China and healthcare is only freely available to the rich.
So, to round up – you’re £5,000 in debt with no job, your country has descended into racist rioting, none of the jobs in your city are working for British companies and you’ve got no NHS, welfare state or benefits system to protect you now it’s all hit the fan.
But at least you claimed your country back, right?
