Power games make the monogamous world go round. But if you wanna play, you gotta trap him first.

There’s an art to getting laid. Hell, there’s even an art to bringing a man home. If you’re the kind of woman that likes to bring penis back your shady lair in order to seduce, trap, and con using your vagina as a portal to a long-term relationship – and I know a lot of you ladies are like this – then I suggest before you leave the house in a little black dress, you follow through this procedure. You need to look around and imagine that your place ain’t yours. Obviously that’s quite a feat, which is why I’ve decided to do it on your behalf. Here is a somewhat exhaustive list of things a high-flying broad should hide before she brings a man home.

• The nostalgic framed photograph of you and your ex-boyfriend that you occasionally sob over when you’re menstruating: Firstly, what are you doing with that shit anyway? I bet he was a massive asshole. If he wasn’t a massive asshole you probably wouldn’t be sobbing over him in the first place. Secondly, that photograph stands as a trophy of your stupidity. Men like trophies, but only trophies they can tinker with (cars; big screen televisions; pussy). Put it away before he figures out you’re batshit crazy.

• Self-help books: Actually, lets extend this point to say that if you ever invite any respectable guest over you should hide this smack. Besides, you don’t need self-help books any more, kiddo, you got me now.

• Your vibrator: Just in case he gets some crazy idea and tries to stick it in your ear hole. (It really hurts, guys.)

• Money: Hypothetically, he could be one of those new-age serial killers that comes over, kills you, eats all the good shit out of your fridge, and then takes all your money on his way out. You can take my life, you can take my caviar, but please Lord, don’t let him take my money!

• A dirty casserole dish: Whether men are just dipping it in you or they’re wife-ing you, they wanna know that you’re a ho in the sheets and a maid everywhere else in the universe. It’s the sad truth. Sorry to put it so bluntly. Please don’t cry. (Men don’t like crying either.)

• A tip cup: Girl! Whatcha doing with yo life?! Go back to college.

• Your ‘comfortable’ bra dangling in the bathroom: We all own comfortable bras – I have forty-six – but in the beginning you want him to believe that you’re the kinda woman that doesn’t wear underwear that resembles a circus tent.

• Another man: This is usually a real mood killer. I generally hide them in the pantry, but you know, we have our hiding places.