The Olympics is coming to our disgusting country soon and we’re all pretending to care about it when in truth, we couldn’t give a fvck. I think the only good thing about it is the influx of hot Swedish girls that will probably make the journey over, because everyone knows a Swede’s favourite sport is the amazingly interesting/hideously mundane equestrian. Just ask Sven-Goran Eriksson, he’ll tell you the truth. After all, he did play Emile Heskey up front and everyone knows Heskey’s the best player to ever don an England shirt so anything Eriksson does/says is the most truthful and honest thing you’ll ever see/hear.

Yeah, so as you can probably tell I’m not that up for the Olympics and I’m really glad I don’t have to get the tube to work every day because the amount of people using the tube when the Olympics arrive is more than likely to increase tenfold. It’ll be like travelling in a fat bastard’s armpit, with all the sweat permeating the tube and the greasy skin of people touching and rubbing against yours like some sort of slithering mutant lizard. Sick as fvck.

There’s an Olympics out there, though, which I do actually like. It’s called the Redneck Olympics. It’s been going since 1996 and and is basically a piss-take/parody/alternative take on the Olympics; events such as launching yourself into mud-pits, toilet-seat tossing and bobbing for pig’s trotters are among the favourites there and instead of lighting a torch to begin the event, those beautiful rednecks light a torch made out of beer cans. It’s become a pretty big thing with over 95,000 people having attended the Redneck Olympics since it began, and why wouldn’t you want to go when this guy’s there?

I know, right? Just when you thought being a redneck couldn’t be any cooler WHAM you find out about this. It’s probably time to stop living your shitty life and dust off your best dungarees and live the life you were made for now – as a redneck. Stop shaving, too, because you can’t be a redneck if you haven’t got some form of a ratty looking moustache or a goatee that looks like it’s made out of a cat’s arsehole. Then give me a shout and we’ll go to the Redneck Olympics and live out our days chewing on bacco and drinking Bud outside our 500 year old caravan. It’s making me tremble with pleasure just thinking about it.

Here’s some videos of the Redneck Olympics, once you watch them you’ll understand why it shits all over the normal Olympics.