The Real Way To Drink Tequila

Personally, tequila shots are the worst shots at the bar. Gimme brandy, gimme rum, gimme scotch, gimme sambuca, gimme Jager, gimme gin, gimme anything but never gimme a tequila. The way the stuff sorta sits there like a monk with a rash who’s trying to meditate but just can’t sit still and kicks and bites and pinches your already-brimmed-with-Saturday-night-poison stomach is hideous and I always chunder my guts up after a shot of the silky-gold stuff. That either means I’ve got a weak stomach or that tequila is a nasty glass of death, and I’d go for the latter because I eat gone-off crisps all the time. You can get them for 10p in the bargain bucket in my local corner shop and you’ve got to make the most of awesome offers in this economic climate, right?

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It probably doesn’t help that I’ve had a few really bad episodes after a heavy session on tequila when I was younger, prettier, cooler and less hairy but that doesn’t mean tequila is reserved for people out there with stomachs more clad in iron than a knight in medieval times because I have a stomach like Captain America’s shield, usually. Take this, for example. One night, after a heavy sesh which ended with a few shots of Jose Cuervo, I somehow got home with my limbs groaning and straining and my stomach burning like your ring the morning after a hot Indian special, propped myself up on my kitchen counter and spewed all over myself, trails of a Saturday binge stuck in my beard like some evil slugs. I then got off the kitchen counter, lay down in my dog’s bed next to her and just couldn’t stop being sick for about two hours. My puke covered my dog like a blanket and her bed was like a toddler’s swimming pool. She took it like a champ, though, she didn’t care and carried on sleeping like the lazy bitch that she is. Now, I know the majority of you have been sick after a sesh, but I never am, really, and vomming for a couple of hours is worse than when you’re just about to wipe your arse but when you reach for the toilet roll, there’s none left. Really, really grim and never, ever again.

But this guy must be a tequila fanatic. Either that, or he’s completely unhinged or utterly smashed. Everyone knows how what the so-called typical way to drink tequila is (unless you’re 4 years old) but he shows us a new way, a new way to show off to your friends about how hip you are and a new way to ruin your night and go home early when all your friends are drinking themselves into oblivion. I’ve never seen anyone smash a shot in such a way but I’ve never seen someone baby-ing out so much after they’ve dropped a shot down their gullet, either. Oh well, that’s what you get for showing off to your friends and squeezing lemons in your eyes.

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