The other day I was sat on my sofa watching TV and a thought occurred to me. ‘What if I could play a poorly made, piece of shit Android game, like doodle jump ON MY TV!’ and luckily for me a go-getting group of console designers and the twats from KickStarter have brought this console screaming into the world as the Ouya (pronounced OOOOOOH YEAH I think).

I mentioned before on my review of The Room that I am no fan of iPhone or Android gaming. For the most part the market is congested to the point of bursting with wannabe millionaires, charging you to buy their game which will be a copy of a recent trend or an old favourite. I don’t have the time to play the never ending, in app purchasing nightmares that are being released at the moment.

Yet everyone I talk to has got Simpson‘s Tapped Out and is raving about their additional content donuts. Don’t get me wrong there have been a few winners on the Android market and there is potential. The recent improvement in independent games is all down to small developers stepping up the quality. Games like The Room, Real Racing and Proteus blew my mind and if every game that came out could do it like these guys then I would welcome the Ouya with open arms. But they don’t, and as such I really can’t see the point of the Ouya even existing.

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The Ouya costs $99 – you can pre-order it at the moment and it is due to be released in June. The console will enable you to surf the internet (Oooohmaggeeerdd) and will allow you to purchase all games available on the Android market place, as well as allowing you to test any game for free. As shit as that sounds, I’ve got to admit the console looks pretty sexy – its just a small aluminium box with a big glowing O on top which might at least look good as it sits humming quietly next to my TV as I peruse the never ending selection of jumping games.

The Ouya is not the only console being released this year, as it seems like everyone and their Nan can make a console these days. There is also the Gamestick – another Android based console hoping to become king of Turd Mountain.  And at the end of the year a console with a bit more clout called the SteamBox, which is , powered by Valve, is on the way so PC gamers have that to look forward to as well. Yawn.

There has been a lot of hubbub made about the new breed of internet based consoles. Although most of it has been rumours that it will be the end of the big three console creators PS, XBOX and the Nintendo. Frankly I’m not worried about the consoles – Sony don’t make money from the Playstation, and Xbox are terrified of people copying their games to the point of making them unplayable. But in reality the developers – the big one’s that make the games you love – will suffer. If everyone’s buying Stalagflight (don’t ask) rather than the big titles, that aren’t on form at the minute (Halo 4 anyone?) then developers will not be able to keep churning out the next instalment of their stagnant franchises if there are games of similar quality that are new, interesting and more importantly free available easily. Whether or not this is a good thing or not is debatable.

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The biggest problem with the Ouya is that it’s shit. It is a shitty, stupid idea and the Dragons wouldn‘t even waste a witty put down on it. People purchase phone games to kill some time while on the bus or on the train because there’s nothing interesting on the news and outside the bus is reality which is just awful. Surely people don’t hate their lives enough to play them in their own homes?

I don’t even understand who would buy this. If you are going to purchase this please comment below to make me understand. I get that in time the quality will improve and maybe even attract big investment and produce quality games. But who wants to spend an hour playing ridiculous fishing on your TV when it’s in the palm of your hand and there are games like Bioshock Infinite available for some high quality armchair gaming?

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