Splash! Is Completely Gash

So I guess everyone’s seen the adverts on TV for that new reality series, Splash, you know that one with Tom Daley in. Or you may have just fantasized about how Noel Edmond should dive into a pool with no water with the hope that it’ll shut the annoying twat up. Either way, you probably know what we’re on about.

Now the general premise of this show is the same as every other talent show. Celebrities (I use the word lightly) ‘perform’, judges ‘judge’ and the public wastes money they don’t have voting on these losers. Pretty standard format for a completely trashy Saturday night TV show. But for some reason the British public love it. Last night was the second episode and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and now I know.

The crowd who watch TV on a Saturday night usually consist of aged 30 – O.A.P. women. The men are usually too busy pretending the watch TV while actually perving on girls on Facebook on their phone. So you’ve got your middle aged women who are watching it for two reasons: 1. There’s nothing better on and 2. Because they get to see Tom Daley prancing around in his Speedos. There may also be another bunch of people watching Splash! and I’m pretty sure it’s not because of Tom Daley prancing around in his Speedos. This group of people would be the ‘stick something on TV while we binge drink in preparation for going out and binge drinking some more’ crew, and also the too hungover from Friday night crew who are doing nothing more than ordering a bag of bud and a Dominos to see them through their Saturday night. This and trashy TV comes hand in hand. But you’re probably wondering why either of these sets of people would want to watch something as shit as Splash!, and the answer’s just that, because it’s so shit. The ‘celebs’ who they bring onto the show to dive are obviously all complete retards who can’t dive to save their lives, and this obviously results in a lot of shitty dives that are really funny to watch and probably causes the Z listers some actual physical pain. It’s a win win.

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We all know diving is dangerous and I’m honestly surprised they’ve got insured for getting “celebrities” to do this. But then again how hard is to get insurance when you’re a Z-list loser celeb? Pretty easy I can imagine. Last night’s show stared Joey Essex and his ‘crew’, some guy off a gardening show, a woman from Sky Sports who broke her toe, Eddy the Eagle (what a legend) and Caprice. I guess Caprice used to be semi-famous for getting her tits out but I probably wouldn’t know/care if she’d joined a religious cult and banished from all popular media in existence.

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Here’s an example of how retarded these jobsworths actually are. This is Helen Lederer (who even is that?) pulling off one of the worst dives I’ve ever witnessed. The worst part is that the crowd go absolutely bonkers for her like she’s just won gold medal at the Olympics. Totally cringe. Check it:

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So yeah, basically Splash! is shit is and if you ever plan on watching it you shouldn’t expect to see any sick diving. Maybe as the series progresses these Z list losers will get better at diving and actually prove to be slightly entertaining. Until then, here’s a selection of bloopers showing you how gash Splash! really is:

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