Tweet – Oops (There Goes My Shirt) (2002)

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“Tell you what I did last night…Hypnotized, In a trance.
From this body, so butter and brown and tantalizing
You woulda thought I needed help from this feeling that I felt
So shook I had to catch my breath“

Allow me to stop you there a minute Tweet. A lot of us are dealing with serious issues concerning poor self image so I’d really hope you aren’t about to detail that you are so fit that you just can’t keep your hands off yourself.  Are you honestly saying that you are so supremely fine that you have managed to systematically hypnotise yourself after a night out getting fucked and just fancy poking around all Christopher Colombus like trying to discover India down there…no please go on, i’m all ears:

“Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head – Oh my!
Oops, there goes my skirt dropin’ to my feet – Oh my!
Ooh, some kinda touch careesing my legs – Oh my!
Ooh I’m turning red,Who could this be?”

What do you mean, “who could this be?” Who the fvck do you think it is? It’s not Aliyah guiding you from the grave you’ve got your hand in the glove darling. Get over yourself. I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever been meeting Mother Thumb and her four daughters and thought to myself, “fvck me sideways, I wonder whose hand is wrapped around my old boy.”

But this body felt just like mine, I got worried
I looked over to the left – A reflection of myself
That’s why I couldn’t catch my breath”

So basically this is supposed to be about female empowerment and everyone running around slopping a pillow between their legs and not feeling guilty – I’m all for that don’t get me wrong – but if you’re gonna masturbate have the decency to think about someone else while you do it ratherthan just dwelling on your buttery chocolate body while you’re getting all Hollyoaks after hours on yourself.

Just in case we coiuldn’t crack the code that Tweety Pie was masturbating; big old Missy Elliot pops up with a cheeky rap that leaves us thinking about Bruno N’Gotty (Missy Elliot) wearing a dirty wig and his old Bolton shirt covering his knackers:

“Umm I was looking so good I couldn’t reject myself, Umm I was feeling so good I had to touch myself”