The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Bangkok Backslide

On my recent travels around the world I stopped off in Bangkok for a few days before an outward flight. I was out with some friends and a by the time the night was coming to an end, I was no closer to finding a lady of the night. So in my drunken desperation, I got the tuk tuk driver to take me to the nearest brothel. He drove me there and I went in and picked my lucky lady. After we finished, she turned and said to me “that was much better than last time, you were so drunk”.  I was wondering why recognised the bed spread….

JusticeTwoNight

Went out for a mates birthday in a different city. Was too drunk for the club but ended up finding a random guy and getting some gear. Went to his with the intention of a cheeky sesh before going home. Ended up blacking out and staying there for two nights.

Doomed

I’ve realised that the only reason I’m so in love with my ex is because he’s the only boy who will never actually love me. I call all the others stalkers and obsessive when in actuality I just fucked them up as much as my ex did to me. Still sleeping with him. Every week. I’m what made him good in bed.

Citywanker

I told my boss I was working from home one day this week and I spent the hold day masterbating and watching Youtube videos.

PhotoKeeper

I have this app where I keep photos of all the hot girls I fancy and wank off to the on the regular!

HiIHaveASmallWilly

I’m 35, ginger and have cerebral palsy coupled with sporadic erectile dysfunction. Yeah, I know! I’m one of life’s winners, clearly! Anyhoo, Black girls and ginger girls are my two respective favourite demographics. I’ve just laid my soul bare so thank you. PS: how good are cocaine and alcohol!

thebluepill

So valentines day, went out with a bunch of my single mates to the pub after work who were all on a quest to get fucked that evening. 4 beers in out comes a packet and i stupidly do a few lines to get on the level of everyone else. girlfriend finishes work so i head back to smash out the £20 m&s eat for two on valentines day. (best idea ever) get back start cooking then get worried i wont be able to get it up after the meal because of the beer and coke. remember that article about homemade viagra with the Melon from here a while ago decide to try it out. blend it all down and have it cooking away before she gets back. Try to neck half of it. it is fucking vile like seriously vile. mostly because i didn’t give it enough time to cool and it was like warm Melon soup… i meen it felt like i was drinking stmach contents it was gross. Seriously killed my mojo and mood and couldn’t get out of my own head. biggest flop i’ve had on valentines day ever. Fuck who ever wrote that article basically… should have just eaten the water melon.

abrasivemaneuver

I always read these fucking memes and shit on the internet about wanking with lotion, like ”getting some chocolates hand lotion for valentines day derperderp” or some shite but I’ve never needed hand lotion to wank. I’ve never bought it in my life  and I genuinely don’t know whether I’ve cleverly avoided a frivolous expense or if I’ve been wanking to a substandard level for my whole life and one day my world will be turned upside down and I’ll regret every wank I’ve ever had before.

Wrongpackage

So the guy from Parcel Force who delivers to my work added me on Facebook. Seems like a nice guy, didn’t really bat an eyelid and accepted.

Fast forward a few weeks later and this other guy keeps posting all this shit to his wall. So I take a look and find these posters advertising Chav videos, thought he could be some sort of piss taker, a Lee Nelson wannabe or something….. Nope! Turns out that in his spare time he dresses up in his finest sports direct gear and partakes in sucking dick in the back of a van with other blokes dressed up like chavs.

I am filled with dread every time I see his van pull up.

Karma is a bitch

So after spending $800 on a relationship visa to Aussie I found out the girl cheated on me. She said she’s going to refund me. I’m waiting for the day she does to tell how about the copious amount of times I cheated on her. Most noticeably the stripper the night before we got back together last year, the one I think gave me (and her) chlymadia.

Fuck you my name is Jamie

I still can’t work out why girls on dating apps make out as if they wanna date me long term but won’t text back after getting the D. If you just wanna fuck and chuck just say.

Yung Egohorn III

Gir A doesn’t know I’m dating girl B and neither of them know I’m in love with girl C and that I’ve been shagging girl L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z during the whole time I’ve known them. I’m waiting for the bomb to go off and they find out about everyone else and I end up with nothing.

Sloppy Joe

Recently discovered the best wank method ever… Use baby oil in the shower but keep your back to the water and just as you’re about spurt turn round n let the warm water fall over your dick. Iv never seen ribbons of jizz come out of my dick like that before. You’re welcome.

NWdeviant

When I want I sniff my sister in laws worn knickers and shoes. Even suck her dido when I can.

Mong

I’m 20 and I literally just now realised why the lead singer of Blur and the lead singer of Gorillaz sound so similar.

EveryLittleHelps

Sometimes if i’m organising a nightout I deliberately try and avoid inviting mates out who I consider better looking than myself in order to increase my chances of pulling.

BOY BYE

My boyfriend is an absolute dick to me. He treats me like shit he thinks he has this power over me. Little does he know I’m saving some serious money and then I’m out of here. Fuck you narcissist wanker, live smart and all that!

Milf

I decided to go out with my mum whilst her friends were visiting from Surrey. They had been drinking all day and I had only just started. I showed quite a lot of interest in one of the friends, a gorgeous Spaniard, he had been quite handsy all night. When we got home I sat in the lounge with them hoping my mum would go to bed, turned out she had the same idea, she started subtlety telling me to go to bed! I’m now lying in bed feeling frustrated and bored.

Fat and drunk

I had a baby four years ago and decided to quit my pretty serious weed habit. Unfortunately, my addictive personality wouldn’t let me leave the self destructive behaviours and I just migrated my weed habit to a more socially acceptable beer and vodka habit. Fast forward to the present day and I am five stone heavier, look ten years older and have just had my fourth liver warning from the doctor. I am now trying to work out how I can leave my alcoholism and downgrade to a healthier diet of weed.

 

Gordon Ram-me

Had kitchen sex with my best mates GF while he was passed out drunk in the next room. She was hands down the loudest I ever had. Stuffed a bread role in her mouth to keep her quiet.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.