The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

LongStool

Sat on the toilet taking a shit looking for this weeks confessions. Just realised it’s still Thursday. FML…

Intoweirdporn

With the recent news that certain porn might be blocked I’m pretty worried about not being able to wank to all the stuff I’m used to.

HigherEdu’cant’ion

I had loads going for me at school but I’m 24 this week and on the verge of dropping out of uni for the second time after repeating a year of college. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m not worried… I know that this is the exact nonchalance that landed me here though.

Redrum

I ran over my neighbour’s cat the other day. It survived, but now this constant feeling of guilt whenever I see them. Do you think maybe I should’ve offered to help out with the vet bills?

Nastypieceofwork

The beginning of this year Jan 2016, I broke up with my then gf, and I continued to try and get her back but she was having none of it, so we were on snapchat having an argument and it got quite nasty and heated and also made me super horny knowing she hated me and I was at work and I decided to knock one out while having this argument with her, calling me all sorts of names. Probably one of the best orgasms I’ve ever had.

Sexaddict

So far in my life I’ve had sex with 60 people (boys and girls), caught and got rid of 2 STDs and I’ve no plan on stopping. Oh yeah, and I’m only 18.

BakedBean!

I went to a family wedding with the parents and a few other family members, we all stayed in the same hotel endorsed by Lenny Henry! I thought it would be wise after a good skinfull to go out for a doobie, standing round the back of the hotel calmly enjoying my chimmy chonga until I heard voices heading my way. In my pissed/high panic my instant thought was to leg it, I did in the opposite direction to the voices only to be confronted by a 8ft fence. I’m shit at climbing usually but for some reason i went full on parkour and managed to get over. Just as I was letting myself down the other side of the fence it snapped! I tumbled to the ground like a sack of spuds landed on all sorts of shite then legged it into the hotel to calmly slide into bed with the mrs like nothing had ever happened. #SorryLenny

Strongplans

This weekend I’m going to spend my entire two days off smoking weed and watching horror films. I might have the occasional wank too. I can’t wait.

Vapourfaggot

Got an eciggy to try and help me quit smoking, never really used it anywhere other than in my bed for fear of being ridiculed, got into the habit of using it whilst wanking. It’s been a couple of years of this and now I can’t cum without a few puffs on it.

Coward

I’ve typed the same confession out every week only to bottle it when posting because somehow I think my girlfriend will know it’s me and if she knew the truth it would be a disaster.

PhantomBathroomWanker

Worked in a call centre a few years back and started seeing one of my co-workers. Nothing serious! Now she was a larger lady and had the most stunning face. Put off sleeping with her for about 6 weeks (as much as she tried) as I just couldn’t bring myself to do the deed… We got drunk one night and I went back to hers…. We awkwardly started taking each others clothes off and seeing her naked just completely ruined the vibe for me. Banged her with a floppy and with a bit of hard work she was satisfied. I went to the bathroom, had a little cry to myself, had an angry wank into the bin and went home. I handed in my notice the next day. Haven’t spoken to her since.

DANNYDIRE

I love my boyfriend so much but I’m so bored of our sex life and have been for years. It’s so vanilla, I can’t take it anymore.

Watersportnotsoexpert

I was shagging my new boss drunkenly on the bonnet of her car. She got paranoid because I couldn’t cum. I just drank to much and thought I was going to pee on her.

John

I wish I was vegan

dontdropoutkids

I’m definitely not the ‘drop out’ type but I ended up dropping out of college and only having my GCSE’s. Because I wasn’t the expected kinda person, people have always thought I’d find my way – I had a lot of confidence I’m smart enough to do something with my life and not needing a college education for it. I’ve always been smart but never got on with schooling, classes and that kind of structure. For a good 2 years it was great being so free to do what I want all the time and I thought I’d made the best decision ever. I could take complete control of my life and go in whatever direction I wanted, no need for education to drag me down! Of course I wasn’t thinking about uni, education wasn’t the route for me and I thought I’d find my way on my own. What was the best decision I ever made has turned out to be the worst thing I’ve ever done. Now everyone has left and gone to uni, I’m so depressed. I’m stuck in a standstill life, in a tiny village with literally every single person I know moving forward with their life at uni. I would do anything to escape my life, I wish I had a passion and enjoyed a subject that I could go study, I wish I could be surrounded by new people my age, I wish I could live with young people and have parties and events offered up to me on a plate every weekend. I’m in this horrible position – I can’t get into uni and have nothing I’d want to study anyway but I just WISH uni was for me. I’m missing out on a huge part of my life.

Short back and sides

I went for an unplanned haircut a few months ago, just walking past the a barbers and randomly popped in. Now, my regular barber is the best in the city and cuts my hair just right every time. This other place wasn’t  great. the thing is, the chick that cut my hair that time is super hot and friendly, so for the whole of 2016 instead of getting a decent cut at my regular place where I’ve been going for years, I’ve been going to the shit barbers just to see the hot girl and coming out looking like a twat. I’ve still not decided if this behaviour is just stupid or some kind of low level stalking.

Stoner4ever

I’ve only just started uni and already I’ve figure out that like is pointless. Then again, I’ve got weed so that’s all good.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.