The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Fuck it

Decided I hated my job on a comedown last weekend and quit on Monday, having a great time being unemployed.

Peado hunter

In my spare time I like to trick peados on omegle, get their details and put them online. Just doing my bit for the world.

KarmasABitchAndSoAreYou

My flatmates’s a right nasty piece of work who’s made my life hell the last few months – sheerly because she’s a psycho spoiled bitch who has to have her way. This has resulted in me moving out early and losing my entire deposit. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been dipping her toothbrush in my pissy toilet water every day, and have signed her up to dozens of those ‘win voucher’ websites so she gets bombarded with sales calls. Oh, and I swapped her vegan sausages for identical pork ones. Suck on that bitch!

Wanker

I still masturbate to 2 girls 1 cup.

Chirpata

I tend to categorise the women I’ve slept with into two groups: those who let me jizz on their face and those who did not.

Upanddown

I’m bipolar and being treated for it, it’s been years since my last episode, but still every time I do something bad or secret I worry that I’ll one day be manic as hell and confess to everyone all about it. Honestly though, I think it might have made me a better person. Can’t step out of line by too much cuz I might spill the beans all over the place if / when I lose my damn mind again.

ROWDYNEWZEALAND

At the start of the year, my typical week was study for a few days then get on the grog Thursday, Friday, Saturday. These days it’s just been blaze pretty much all day everyday, with acid trips or MD every week. Also got myself into 13k student debt with nothing to show for it, crashed both my cars, and blew all my 5k savings on weed, alcohol and food. I don’t feel like I’ll ever regret it though.

poopertrooper

It was Boxing Day and I was around 13 and I really, really needed to go for a number 2. I had 3 toilets in my house but two weren’t working. The only one that would flush was through the kitchen – where my sister and her boyfriend and his parents we’re socialising. I really needed a poo, it hurt. But the table they were sitting at was pushed against the toilet wall and they would have 100% heard and smelt it. Panic sets in. My answer to this? Leave it until bursting point, sprint upstairs to the broken toilet and do the biggest poo of my life in the SINK. Then jab it with the handle of a razor until it breaks up enough to be washed away. Yeah.. I did that.

RillaPrime

My girlfriend went out with a good friend of hers she hadn’t seen in a while. We’ve all hung out a couple times together and we’ve had good times. When they got back they were both drunk, my girlfriend way more. While taking a shot in the kitchen, she brought up that they had been talking about having a threesome and asked if I’d be interested. Obviously I was since it’d never even been brought up between us, but since she was so drunk, I told her that they should just go at it to make sure she’d be fine with it. I went to the room and they went at it on the couch, and I could hear it. It’s been two weeks since, I’ve never felt so much regret for turning something down in my life.

Needtogrowup

My headboard behind my bed is still a minefield of shit that I’ve pulled out of my nose… I’m 33

THISISTHEEND

I’m buying a house with my girlfriend. The midweek coke binges and straight to work next day are finally drawing to a close. Not sure how I feel about it. See you on the other side.

SofaSurfer

I think for the last two years I’ve not actually cared about anyone, just used people for a fuck or a sofa to sleep on.

Partypooper

Last week at a party some stuck up bitch was showing off about her new designer shoes. Anyway as the party carried on, I noticed she had left them in the hall so I took one to the bathroom and dunked it down the toilet. Mean but if you’d have met this bitch you would get it.

AimsiiOggs

I’ve only been in my first flat a month now and not adjusting well. Totally fucking broke, 36p electricity that I can either use to turn the bath heater on or the sinks. Seriously contemplating bathing with 4 days worth of dishes… either that or with the radio.

Drug problems

I’ve got a severe addiction to pretty much anything and everything. When I quit alcohol, I get addicted to weed, when I quit weed I get addicted to ket. Maybe one day I’ll just be satisfied with being sober. Probably not though.

Mummyissues

The other day my girlfriend came round my house and my mum started talking about embarrassing stories from when I was young. Things took a dark turn when she started talking about the time when I was five and she walked into her room to find me with her tights on and a boner. I genuinely think my gf’s contemplating breaking up with me now. Cheers mum.

—

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.