The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

LifeIsLikeABoxOfShit

Today, I spent most of my afternoon curled up in bed sobbing over my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend. Whilst my boyfriend was playing Xbox in our living room next door. I’ve been with him a year and lived with him for 6 months. I had the choice and I chose him, even when my ex wanted another chance. I’ve never regretted a decision so much in my entire life.

Husbandhandz

Met a bird on on Tinder, she invited me to a uni party. Great right? Wrong. Was in her flat with four others listening to Shawn Mendez, they were wrecked by 9. I finger banged her and left. She apparently loves me and wants to marry me; she was a virgin. Thinking of what weird shit I can get her to do with me next week.

AmazonEmployeeArsehole

At work if I’m in the toilet alone, I’ll dry my hands by flicking the water all over the massive mirror we have, because fuck Jeff Bezos.

TheCrusher

In my college days, I came out of a long term relationship and was sleeping around for a few months after. Ended up meeting a worldie who was a virgin at the time. Unbeknown to me, I caught the clap off one of the girls and gave it to said worldie the first time we slept together. Mastered a plan and ended up crushing up chlamydia tablets and putting them into a meal I cooked for her. We have now been together for 7 years and she is none the wiser – even though this was my token story throughout 5 years of uni. What she doesn’t know and all that.

Instawanker

I wank over girls from my works pictures on Facebook, Instagram etc. I have a girlfriend, but they’re hotter.

Justsayyay

Ket is taking over my life.

MDMAzimg

I was on a night out with the lads last weekend and pretty much out of nowhere this girl comes and starts kissing me. She was quite attractive but for some reason I wasn’t in the mood. Anyway, as we were kissing I thought I got a distinctive taste of MDMA and so unbeknownst to her I started exploring her mouth with my tongue in an attempt to get passively wired (like passive smoking). Suffice to say it didn’t work. Made me laugh when I remembered it the morning after though.

RiskyViewing

I live in mortal fear that I will accidentally press the share button on porno vids, why the fuck is that thing even there?

DaddyProblems

Had sex with my sisters friend once 2 months ago. Everytime I see her and she’s with her son she encourages him to call me dad. He’s 14.

girlscanbenasty

I saw a confession last week that ended in ‘im a girl by the way’. Before that I automatically assumed they were all by guys, and didn’t pay it a second thought. Now each one I read I automatically associate with the girl I know who is most likely to do something like that, and find all of them friends less attractive.

Triplestandards

I caught out my now ex fiancée snapchtting dirty photos and messages to some guy we both know. I ended up kicking off really badly and calling off the wedding. Little does she know I slept with at least 10 other people over the 4 years we were together. I guess I wanted a way out where I could keep the dog.

FACIALFIEND

I have recently persuaded my girlfriend to let me cum on her face. She now absolutely loves it and we make collages of all the photos of her face covered in my jizz. I feel like I’m a pornstar every time. It never gets boring.

Happybdaysquig

I have only just realized the reader confessions logo in the title isn’t a butt plug.

Mummyissues

I think I fancy my step mum… I’m a girl.

PARDONME

I was once so fucked on coke that I went back to a guys hotel room, only to find out he was sharing it with four of his mates. Naturally I asked them to join in, immediately regretted it, got them to stop and spent the rest of the night wishing I was dead. We had sex again the the morning.

I_just_Dont_know

I have super bad premature ejaculation where literally I’ll start fucking and I come in about 30 seconds. But I can still maintain a hard-on after, which has another problem being that this only lasts so long as I’m still getting jerked off or am screwing. It’s like Speed (the film) but with sex. And then another problem is, this doesn’t work when I’m drunk (I still don’t last longer) so I’m stuck having to have boring lame sober sex forever where I physically can’t stop or I’ll lose it. Weird.

Chirpaban

A couple of years ago I went on a tinder date with a girl who was in the merchant navy. Back to my place, both pissed, and and anal sex ensued. To this day I can say “I’ve never kissed a man, but I’ve fucked a sailor up the arse.”

Givestheyes

I’ve been in my first serious relationship for 8 months or so and it’s great. On a sexual level we connect everytime and I think we have discovered a considerable amount about our boundaries. Next time we are together (long distance) I think she will tickle my prostate while wanking me off. I can’t wait!

BIGPREMATUREHENRY

I find my current partner so disgusting, when she’s asleep I wank into my hand and rub my cum on her face and hair. I’ve been doing this for two weeks and she hasn’t noticed anything. She pays for the rent and anything I want really, hence why I won’t leave her! Oh and I’ve been cheating on her for about 2 months now.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.