The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

ilikefishing

I’ve been on a real mission to ‘make female friends to meet other females’ lately, taking someone’s advice. So far all it’s done is prevent both myself and said females from getting laid

mazzzzz

Every bad decision I’ve ever made is because of alcohol and/or my dick, yet I can’t stop listening to them

Kayeffsee

I snapshotted the KFC recipe from your site, put 3tsp salt in opposed to 1/3tsp and voila. It’s legit. Put the Chicken in milk & double coat in the flour, deep fry @ 170C for 9 min. Leng.

Rein_engel

My favourite thing to search for on porn sites these days is ‘twerk fuck’

ambvi

I wish my boyfriend was fitter

wnxmcneal

I think I have a nose fetish. It’s nothing extreme but basically my attraction to a girl depends on her nose, no matter how nice the rest of her is or how attractive others find her. If I don’t like the nose – it’s not happening. No idea why, I fucking hate it

Ilfor3

My neck hair grows faster than the hair on my head and it’s driving me insane

D_honey

Spent a week on the beach this summer with some reflective shades which meant I could perv as much as I wanted without anyone realising. This one girl in a purplee bikini had a massive dumper and tramp stamp tattoo that was making me crazy in the heat. Anyway I overheard her talking to her mum about her upcoming year in sixth form… Felt guilty but still imagined unloading on that tramp stamp for the rest of the day

Tomhas4

Fuck Harambe

NeedaBJ

I have been with my girlfriend nearly 5 years and I have only had one proper blowjob. She always wants to turn it into sex, which is good, but even just once some head without having to give back would be awesome.

ryleydavid

I’m only 25 and already really proud of my garden

yoyodick

I went on the most fucked up Tinder date ever recently. The girl showed up limping on a crutch and said she’d tripped down that morning. Bit awkward but OK, whatever. We didn’t really hit it off on our date and when it came time to go our separate ways we kiss on the cheek and she says “see you never”.  She then put her crutch aside and just started walking off normally, no limp or anything. I stood there for 20 seconds wondering WTF just happened. Think I was on one of those YouTube ‘social experiments’, it’s the only explanation.

Dad lover

I’m in love with a man old enough to be my dad

Snowbot

I extended my overdraft by £500 and spent it all in one weekend on coke

saladfingers

I work at a supermarket on weekends and every time a female customer buys a cucumber, I imagine them using it as a dildo. The majority of these women are particularly grim, but you do get the odd worldy. Passes the time anyway..