The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Noshitsherlock

Watched Hound of the Baskervilles when I was tripping my tits off on a Strawberry and ecstasy combo.

That dog man. That fucking dog.

Lex Luthor

I literally hate fuck my girlfriend every time we have sex, our relationship is so broken.

opus

Once I was drunk and having a wank session and the girl in the porn started measuring the guy’s dick. I decided to run downstairs into the garage and get some measuring tape so I could see how I compare.

I walk back into my room to see my dad standing there, looking quizzically at me while I’ve got a semi and measuring tape in my hand. He found it pretty funny to be fair

rattatallly

A lot of people have recently complimented me and asked how I lost so much weight. I don’t want to tell them the truth which is I swapped 6 beers a night to just smoking a bong, so I just tell them I stopped eating bread and pasta. Harmless lie right?

CB4

Came home drunk with the GF the other night and played with her arse hole every chance I got during sex. Seemed like she was into it. I’m getting closer guys…

Drhouse

I regularly take painkillers, codeine, tramadol, gabbies whatever for past few weeks. Missed one day and had to go home from work at dinner due to how bad I was shaking. Too many opiates.

BrownTrouseredMenace

Had pre’s at a mates house before walking about 3 miles to the party, 2 miles in and i’m suddenly desperate for a shit. tell my friends that i think ive dropped my keys as an excuse to double back and have a nature poo, squat up against a tree and take one of the largest and slimeyest shits of my life. at this point i was fairly drunk, so was finding it hilarious, laughed so hard that i fell into the poo and it covers a good section of my jeans. at this point i can hear my friends voices and i realise to my horror that they’ve come back to find me, start to panic and wipe my shitty arse and jeans off with leaves. Get to the party and swap them with a pair that the boy had in his room (without his knowledge), leaving my poo covered jeans in his laundry basket. Tobey, if you’re reading this i’m truly sorry.

BeehindTheKeyboards

Sometimes I wank off to naked pictures a girl I was seeing sent me over Facebook 3 years ago, still the best shag I’ve ever had but the wanks are up there

KINGKONGSFINGER

once i was working in a CD shop and went to the loo for a shit, it was so big that it wouldn’t flush and the only thing there was in there to break it up was the shop owners toothbrush… i didn’t use the bristly end though.

greypoweraus

I smoke tons of weed and I’m pretty sure I’m getting dumber and dumber every day. I’m OK with it

FN2197

Bumped into an old co-worker while drinking on the weekend. Started chatting and a couple hours later I was eating her pussy for about 30 minutes. Didn’t get laid though

dylan

Putting on a shirt, tie and suit in the middle of summer is fucking ridiculous. I hate weddings

extant89

When I was in Vegas on a boys holiday I decided to splash some cash on a hooker. I ordered this sexy tight looking Korean girl in her early 20s for $200 an hour. When she arrived at my door an hour later it was clearly a bait & switch – she was a Korean woman in her 40s who couldn’t speak any English, had small boobs and no real ass to speak of. I thought fuck it she’s here now and went ahead with it. In the end it was the most mindblowing sex of my life. She fucked the absolute shit out of me, we did positions I never even knew about and she taught me a couple things that have helped me with sex in the long run. A very pleasant surprise. I’ll never forget that woman

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.