The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

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Wankathon

To the guy who wanked off 5 times in 5 hours, that’s nothing buddy. I wanked off 8 times in 4 hours when I was tripping and couldn’t sleep once. Porn on acid is fucking crazy.

Deadnsd

I watch entire Netflix movies and series at work. Nobody notices or cares.

musiciangamergeek

I’m taking my son to Disney World next month. He’s 5 and couldn’t be more excited. The fact my ex wife is furious that I’m taking him makes it all the more perfect.

globalapex

I haven’t had sex since 2014.

Aria68

I sit on the toilet for a solid 20-30 minutes every time I take a shit. I can never feel my legs after.

Gman674

Told my girlfriend I was going out with my mates last week and told my mates I was staying in with my girlfriend. Instead I went to the pub and watched the game, chilled in the sunshine, had a lovely meal for one and got a massage/happy ending to round off my day. It’s good to have some me time once in a while.

xHDx

My boyfriend’s eating habits are vile. Everytime I watch him eat I wonder what the future holds, and it doesn’t look good

rahul

Re: the guy who invited his drug dealer to chill with him and regretted it, I have a similar story. Except mine stayed for 2 hours telling me about how he’s been depressed since his girlfriend dumped him and how he is now “bang on the opium” because of her. I didn’t know what to say so kept saying shit like “how does that make you feel?” and other bait psych stuff. He then asks to use the toilet and when he comes out (15 minutes later) he’s super charged, puts on his jacket says “See you later” and leaves in a flash. I only pick up from him when I’m outdoors now.

Elnino

On the way to the gym a group of 5-6 black kids come round the corner running at me full-speed and yelling incomprehensibly. My immediate instinct was I was about to get robbed so I turned and ran for my life. They all ended up running right past me (some looking at me with confusion) and go right into this building. Turns out they were just dashing to make it back to school in time before their lunch break was over. Phew!

psygnostic

I dip my balls in ice cold water to wake myself up in the mornings. Works a treat.

Clarkesson

My dad hasn’t spoken to me in almost a week because I told him I voted Khan for London mayor. He doesn’t care for Muslims much.

Wuack

I’ve been late to work several times because I refuse to get out of bed without knocking one out first.

bowski

After 2-3 glasses of wine my girlfriend is so much fun to be around. She’s funny, will do literally anything in bed and gives amazing head. More than 3 glasses though and she becomes insufferable and impossible to deal with. Need to find a way to limit her to 2 or 3 glasses only.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week: