The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

(Click the arrow keys below to view confessions)

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rudii

2 weeks ago I ran into a girl I used to shag, I hadn’t seen her in 3 years. Arranged to meet at the pub I was going to on Friday so she comes and we hang out and it’s a fun night. On Saturday get a call around 11pm telling me to come over. I go and we fuck and I’m feeling amazing about myself. Anyway I completely forgot that Valentine’s was the next day and as soon as we’re done shagging she starts throwing out ideas of what we can do the next day. Let’s just say I’m a pussy and she thinks we’re boyfriend/girlfriend now

Moog

I turned down a threesome with two girls I work with because I didn’t think my wimpy penis could handle it

mrhubris

I’m terrified of shitting down the back of my shirt when I’m at work so I get totally naked every time.

jandhisguitar

Last week I started this diet so at a house party on the weekend I stuck to vodka so I could be strictly no beer. The party lasted 7 hours and I was basically drinking vodka the whole time. I got home at 3am and pissed in my washing machine. I’m 29.

gherkinguy

I have an irrational desire to ram every Smart Car I see off the road

averagejoe

My new girlfriend keeps saying I have the perfect sized dick and I know shes lying. I’m insulted that she thinks I’m naïve enough to believe it

Ljm346

When I was at uni I hooked up with this girl who’s probably the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I don’t know how my lines were working so well but I was at peak confidence. We have some drinks then on the way home we walk past her apparently ex boyfriend and his friends and she tries to make him jealous by kissing me in front of him. He just walked past and said “have fun mate” and winked at me. Get to hers, have drunk sex, nothing special. About three weeks later I got to the doctor because I’ve bumps on my dick. Herpes and chlamydia. I learnt my lesson, but fuck her and fuck him for not saying something

fattmatt

I still have no idea what I’m doing when I go to the bank

coldebt

When I was a teen my mate told me that he had a brother that died. It kind of shaped the way I thought about him and I figured it was the reason his parents were messed up. A couple months ago we were watching the game and I finally asked him what was the name of his brother who died. He just looked at me and started laughing for about 2 mins non stop before saying he had made it up. Arsehole.

dickface

When I tip the collection boxes at takeaways and bossman isn’t looking I always make sure it makes a noise so he hears it

sunsoo

Went on a Tinder date with this oh so fit guy and about 15 mins into the date we get our drinks served to table. As we cheers my brain went blank and I said “nice to meet you” even though we had met 20mins earlier. He ignored it but his brows fully furrowed. Cringe.

Joela

I got a haircut from a gay Portueguese man this week and I feel like he was being too sensual with the way he was massaging my hair like he was trying to turn me on or something. Not to marginalise sexual assault but I feel like it was a little bit

Drenz889

I went to a Japanese restaurant with my family and was very disappointed to find the chefs were all white. I didn’t enjoy my meal as much because of this knowledge. Anyone else?

bingbev

I don’t consider myself a sexist but I think the fact they make a point of having women host the football highlights is total fucking bullshit

Per7

I’m a 25 year old man who last year was dealing with the break up of a long term girlfriend by staying in bed watching Lost and eating Haagen Dasz ice cream. When I look back at what a little bitch I was it makes me feel sick!

dbbdbbdb

I actually entertained the idea that the earth is flat until my uncle took me aside and told me to never say that in front of him again

fluffdogg

I took a 30 minute uber to bang a 3/10 last week. Felt disgusted with myself afterwards and promised myself I had to higher my standards. Only thing is I’m 100% getting drunk tonight and I know I’ll end up texting her again. FML

ravi

Last week there was a confession about a guy who used green tea to lube up a girl’s butt and it reminded me of when I took a Tinder girl home who was on her period. I didn’t mind but she did because she had her tampon in so she suggested we do anal instead. I had no lube so asked her to wait while I went and had a look. I was so hammered I thought fuck it came back with a bottle of olive oil and rubbed it all around her tight little hole. Worked a charm and honestly I don’t even think she had a clue

opiumpire

I’m 26 and live at home unemployed. I sold weed as a teen and through uni but I’m at the age now where it’s not cool anymore to be unemployed but still have drug money. Getting older is the worst

jann

The girl I’m seeing is on birth control and I frequently cum inside her especially when we’re drunk. I told my mate and he freaked out at how irresponsible I was being. I looked it up and birth control is apparently 99% effective. Is it just me or is that nothing to worry about? He’s got me feeling paranoid over nothing

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.

P.S. You can previous confessions HERE.