Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

INCOGNITO443

Got drunk and wound up in a club where all the women seemed to be MILFs looking for some young cock. Got even more wasted then ended up going back to this cougar’s house, she took me to the bedroom and put on some meditation music. Thought it was weird but no big deal. Now I don’t have big dick but it’s not a cashew nut either. So we start banging and this woman cums 3 times – a personal record for me. Ended up cumming all over her belly. My advice to any guys out there is definitely check out these MILF clubs

GAMMA RAYS

I drank a Brazilian prostitute’s breast milk once and was convinced I had HIV for about a year.

MYAHEE

I once choked on a small piece of cheese at a party and someone had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me. I’ll never forget the room full of terrified faces looking at me as I choked and wailed around like I knew I was dying. In the end the man who saved my life told me that he had just been taught how to do the Heimlich at the job he hates a few weeks earlier. Scariest and most humiliating moment of my life in one.

THEFADE

My hairline had started receding from the front and it never really bothered me until I got a trim and the barber offered me a look from up top. Oh boy is there a considerable bald patch. Never felt so depressed.

CHRONUS

I got a DUI back in 2017 and I’ve never received anything from court for it. It’s been nearly 4 years. Starting to think I might have got away with one.

[NO NAME]

Always knew I was no Brad Pitt but Tinder has really opened my eyes to how truly unappealing I must be. The only women I match with are absolute monstrosities. If that’s my level then I would rather be alone forever and I just have to accept that.

SCUMBAG MOVES

Me and my friend were at a party full of first year uni students once. They were drinking vodka cranberry juice out of a big bowl in the kitchen. When they went outside to do fireworks me and my mate pissed in the bowl and then left the party.

FLAMINGFUEL

In my late 20s and hide the fact I use an e-cig from my girlfriend. When she goes to the toilet or takes a shower I take hits like a crack addict. It’s pathetic.

JAYDEN

Years ago following an argument with my boss I texted my colleague that our boss was a fucking idiot. Except I accidentally sent the text to him instead of my colleague. Boss immediately gets up from his desk and yells “Do you have something to say to me, John?”. I had no choice but to play it like I had meant to sent him the text and told him exactly what I thought of him. He then sent me home followed by a message asking not to come in again. Fair enough really.

DISASTROUS

I got friendzoned by a prostitute who texts me about all her problems. There’s literally nothing in it for me.

KEVH2

Heard a shoplifter caught robbing in Tesco’s tell the security guy “if it wasn’t for people like me mate you wouldn’t even have a job.” That’s one way of looking at it to be fair.

Schadenfreude_23

Me and my ex were together for ages in what I thought was a long-lasting relationship, not perfect but really amazing and I loved them massively. They dumped me out of the blue for a ‘mate’ I’d introduced them to then immediately blocked me, never spoke to me again, never apologised and never looked me in the eye again. Weak. I’m sure they cheated on me as they were being seen together (by me and everyone we knew) every weekend nine days after our relationship ended. So fuck them both. However yesterday i saw from social media that the new partner broke their ankle the other day, and i can’t explain how sweet the schadenfreude felt. I hope it hurt.

TAKIS

I got a friend out of Greek jail with a fake rolex

AMAN

My girlfriend told me she couldn’t come round one night when she was meant to so I decided to have a nice leisurely wank instead. As I started wanking I noticed a condom on my desk so I thought fuck it, I slipped it on to avoid having to clean up. Just as I cum my girlfriend bursts through the door to surprise me. I’ll never forget the look of disgust on her face as she then searched the flat for another girl before realising I’d just wanked off with a condom on.

BROKENUP

I hate everyone and just want to be left alone.

COMEATMEFAM

I made my ex sign a contract promising she’d never tell anyone the weird shit I used to ask her to do to me, as part of our break-up agreement. Credit to her she signed it. God I miss her

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[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!