Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

MRLAUGHGAS

Got a phone call the other day and thought it was a spam call. So I farted in the phone and hung up. Got a call back instantly and turns out it was my dentist office confirming my appointment. Oops.

NULLUS

The girlfriend and I were watching Euphoria. When Sydney Sweeney got her boobies out I instinctively said “woah” and girlfriend got genuinely upset over it. She doesn’t even want to watch the rest of the series with me. Oh well, her loss.

WORKBENCH

Many years ago I was in a cab and received a nude from the girl I was on my way to go meet. I showed it to the Pakistani cabby whose face LIT UP with joy. Not sure if I broke any cultural/religious boundaries there but the look of happiness on his face more than made up for it.

GGOSIGN

I bumped into some waster I haven’t seen in like 5 years, thought I’d never see him again. One of these guys who really wants you to think he’s cool but he’s just so see-through and try-hard. Not a bad guy, just overbearing and cringeworthy. He even used to ask my girlfriend why I’d never hang out with him (not showing off here, I’m really not that cool). Anyway, I panicked and gave him my number after he asked and he said he’d text me soon so we could go for a drink. I know that text is coming any day now and it’s stressing me out more than it should. I really wish I was more of an arsheole, being fake-nice is a curse.

DVZN

I told my teacher in 8th grade sex education that I had syphilis as a kid. They called my mum. Turns out I had psoriasis.

YABOINILKO

Full Moon party in Thailand. Went with the boys. Drank two buckets of vodka red bull, got lost and the rest of the night remains a blur. As the sun came up I was coming out of my stupor and realised the “girl” I was with was a little, erm, manly looking. To this day I’ve no clue if I did anything with her, how long we were together etc, and I’m OK not remembering.

WOLO

A female co-worker who I’ve fancied for months made fun of my haircut and it genuinely hurt me. I’ve had this haircut for years so I feel like changing it now would make it too obvious that it’s because of her comment. FML

ENRICOCLATTELI

I was so drunk at an airport once I could barely talk. The lady working at the counter thought I was deaf so I just rolled with it.

TAZ

When I was maybe 9, an older girl in our street was notorious for bullying us. One day another girl, a great athlete, saw her doing this, confronted her, and ended up judo throwing her onto the pavement and breaking her arm. She’s still my hero

GREWAL1989

My GF is 5’0 and 45kg. She stomps her feet so loud when she walks around the flat. We constantly have neighbours banging on the roof because it sounds like someone doing box jumps in our flat. I don’t understand how someone so small can make so much noise.

ANTHROPOS

Sharted myself at the office this week. Somehow didn’t realise it happened until I went to take a dump. Threw out my boxers, wiped up the small mess in my trousers and went commando for the rest of the day. I’m 29.

FEKI BROWN

I drove for an hour to pick up some weed only for my dealer to have his phone off when I arrived

[NO NAME]

My gf has small boobs. I love her more than words, but knowing I’ll never fondle big boobs again makes me a bit sad. She probably feels the same about my cock.

BRUNO

My dog loves everyone but growls when he spots one particular guy at the bus stop outside our window. Dodgy looking guy in a flat cap. I’ve been seriously considering following him one day as I’m sure my dog has sensed something very wrong about him

GAMGAM

I haven’t masturbated in 3 days now and I’m beginning to worry about myself. Extremely out of character.

WHITEGLOVES

When I was about 17 my aunt asked me to watch their house and 3 cats while they went away for week. I was excited about the free house but was never fond of cats. Anyway all was going fine, except one cat was the biggest arsehole ever and spent the whole week crying and randomly attacking my ankles every time I got up off the sofa. One of the last nights as I was leavin the house the little shit tried to run out of the door before I closed it and I accidentally slammed it shut on its head. The door just bounced off him so it was pretty dangerous impact and I began shitting it. Anyway 5 years later Nounou is still with us but I’m pretty sure he’s brain damaged as he is now the loveliest, most affectionate cat ever

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See you next Friday!