Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

PooMyself

Few weeks back I mistakenly ate a huge curry feast before a 2.5 hour drive back home. About halfway there I got that unmistakable feeling, however I wanted to stretch out the drive until this service station I knew. However, my body had different plans and within 5 mins knew I needed to stop ASAP. Luckily the next exit had signs for a petrol station, but upon exiting the motorway I found the station was actually 3 miles down the road. With no other option and nowhere else to stop, I committed. Full on shat myself with the most aggressive diarrhea ever. Eventually I found a road where I was able to stop and dispose of the poo clothes. Luckily I had a pair of football shorts for the remaining drive home. It took me a month of spraying the seat with different sprays and cleaners to make the smell go away. During this time my gf kept wondering why we were taking her car to go places. Sometimes if the conditions are right I can still smell a faint hint of that terrible day. Moral of the story = don’t eat curry before a long drive.

NAZ

I was on holiday with my female cousin and she was a total slag all summer. Chatting up multiple guys on the beach, getting banged on a beach bed at night, flirting with guys for coke, getting fingered on dance floors etc. Maybe I’m just jealous because I’d totally bang her if she wasn’t my cousin.

[no name]

My ex didn’t know I was on the gear so I always had to hide it from her. I once paid my dealer extra to get me a pizza from the takeaway on route and drop me off a gram at the same time so she just thought I was ordering in some food. He provides a quality level of service.

estebanp

I’ve Deliverood on top of my office job for the past year to pull myself out of crippling debt. I’ve fantasised about the delivery guy porn scenario where some babe opens the door and wants to bang. It’s never happened. Had someone finally answer the door naked this week. Unfortunately, it was a fat middle aged guy in his pants and with a gaming headset on. Probably a Sick Chirpse reader.

BF4321

My girlfriend thinks she can speak through the walls in our home. When her superpower doesn’t work, she starts shouting and screaming at me to come hear what she has to say. I’ve recently begun ignoring her screaming, and now she has to come where I am and say “why aren’t you listening to me?”. It’s a good system we’ve got going.

WHEREDEMONEH

10 years ago some street urchins followed me down a side road and swiped my trainers right off my feet while calling me a fassyhole and other unkind terms. I walked home in my socks feeling like the biggest loser ever. I still fantasise about hunting them down and doing some damage, even though it’s probably impossible at this point (filed police report, nothing happened).

TMN

I am getting emotionally abused by my girlfriend every day and I don’t know what to do anymore. At a wedding she purposely knocked my drink into me then had a go at me in front of everyone for spilling it. She gets a thrill out of putting me down in front of others.

METRIC POET

I have a thing for fat girls with pretty faces.

BDURK15

When I was v young I went to a holiday resort with my family and ended up shitting in the resort swimming pool. Not a big shit, just a little nugget. Small enough that 6 year old me didn’t think anyone would notice. The next day we woke up and the staff were draining the pool and had to spend the rest of the day listening to my family complain about the “parents who let their kids shit in the pool”.

AIMESBOND

I told my girlfriend I’m getting her laser hair removal sessions for her bday. She got excited saying she would use them on her lips and cheeks. I suggested she use them on her bum hole as thats why I am buying them. She didn’t take it well.

JAK LOOMIS

At uni once I was drunk and a girl I met that day walked me back to my accomodation, followed me into my room, wanted sex, I had no clue what was going on, and all I remember is clips of me banging her with a semi and putting in a pathetic performance. When I woke up she was getting dressed to leave and started saying how my dick was too small #metoo

MESSILUNA

My girlfriend dyed her hair purple right before she’s due to meet my parents. How stupid can you be.

CASS W

I thought I was having a heart attack this morning. I’m 26. Pretty scary, not gonna lie. The other day I was also convinced I had ball cancer. So… yeah life’s going well.

BETHSHEP

I once gave my boyfriend such an amazing blowjob that he pulled his calf muscle while cumming. He was limping for 2 days afterwards. Pretty proud of that one 

DEREX

I turned down a decent job opportunity and more pay because they test for drugs. I’m not ready to leave that life behind yet.

RUMGUY

I’m a huge fan of big boobs. I’m really thankful that my girlfriend has nice big boobs. I don’t even think they’re Ds but they’re a good handful and really nice and soft. Not really a confession but just want to give thanks.

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See you next Friday!