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Let’s go…

YORKZ

I got smacked in the face by a member of the badminton society at a bar and didn’t do shit about it. The badminton society! FML

BOOGZ

I used to work a telesales job where the guys would play ‘marry, shag, kill’ with the girls in the office. Most of the girls knew about it and were cool with it, but it was kept a secret from one particular girl (let’s call her ‘Anne’) who was pretty uptight all the time. Anyway, one day on our break I taught the game to the new guy at work and he says “Can I shag and kill Anne? She’s got the best tits but f*ck me is she annoying”. Well Anne was round the corner and heard him say it. Long story short – he got fired, I got suspended, but my (male) boss took me to the side afterwards and said “the game is fine, your timing wasn’t”. Legend.

HORNYPONY

I used to watch the mucky 10-minute freeview religiously as a horny pre-teen. One night the 10 minute freeview just rolled into actually softcore porn, someone was paying the subscription…and that’s when I discovered my dad was probably wanking as much as me. Good on ya pops!

SCONESY

I bought Tinder Gold because I wanted to see who the mystery girls who swiped right on me were (I had 17 likes). Spent the cash and literally EVERY SINGLE ONE of them was a fucking gargoyle. I’m no Brad Pitt myself but I thought I could at least attract a 3/10. Really crushed my confidence.

BBBBBB

Whenever I go to a wedding, my go-to line for any single girl there is “hasn’t anyone ever told you you’re not supposed to show up the bride on her wedding day”. Works every time.

SYLVAN

I was on a huge dry spell in my final year of uni and was at the point where I’d have fucked anything. One day I’d had enough and decided to check casual encounters on Craiglist and I put up an ad just on the off chance someone would be up for having no strings sex. To my amazement I got a few replies, most of which were piss takes or fakes but there was one woman (about a 4/10 I’d say) who seemed genuine and up for it. I ended up driving for half an hour to the next town to meet her, park near her house and call her when im outside. Sure enough this chubby woman in her late 30s opens the door and tells me to come in. All the lights in her house are off so it’s very dimly lit. She sat me on her bed and we drank wine and  she explained she has 2 kids and is divorced. All this time I’m wondering if I should go through with it or just run for the door but in the end she started touching me up and grabbing my dick so I thought fuck it. I ended up cumming in under a minute, then without saying a word got up, put my clothes back on and left the house as she was in the bathroom. It still feels like a bizarre dream that I’m not sure even happened (it did sadly).

When i was at school i used to get tormented in PE lessons because you could see my tiny knob through my mesh gym shorts. 12 years later not much improvement on the size front.

JERRMZ

I’ve got a separate Instagram account that my girlfriend doesn’t know about where I just follow girls and models from around the world. I’m terrified I’ll one day forget to log into my normal account when we’re together

BMXBOY

Back in the day I tried to get my mum to buy me BMX XXX on PS2 because I knew there was a cheat code you could put in and get a 60 second clip of a topless girls dancing. So we went to shop and took it to the counter. The guy asks my mum if she’s OK with me playing it because it’s rated for mature audiences. My mum says yeah it’s fine but then he proceeds to tell her it’s more graphic than other adult games and has full on nudity. I’m sitting there looking at this prick like are you serious mate? It was 2002 and I just discovered wanking. Fuck that guy.

SHAKA KHUN

I prefer fat girls with big boobs and cute faces to skinny model types. Sue me.

[no name]

Worked at Morrisons for 3 years. If I got hungry in the middle of a shift I’d ‘accidentally’ damage a pack of sausage rolls or cocktail sausages to eat in the back as a snack.

MRMERRY

My girlfriend of 2 years has started shutting her eyes whenever we have sex. I wonder who she’s thinking about.

WAVY BOY

One night at uni I took shrooms for the first time. Ended up ridiculously hyped and jumped over the couch onto a bean bag. Slammed my balls so hard I thought I broke one. Went to the bathroom and one ball started changing colours. Immediately raced downstairs and told my housemates I broke my balls. What occurred next was a mass hysteria over whether we should call an ambulance. I somehow ended up in the laundry room drinking gallons of water and pissing what I thought was green fluid into a casserole dish. Never again lads, never again.

MR420

My girlfriend kisses her family on the lips and it really creeps me out, except for when she does it with her mum who’s a milfy 48 year old. There’s no way her mum doesn’t understand how a 21 year old’s brain works and a part of me thinks she wants a threesome with me and her daughter. I think about it all the time and it’s driving me crazy

BLOODWING

Yesterday I had a wank and thought it all went into the toilet. Well I guess a little bit went on the wall because my flatmate (female) went to spring clean the bathroom and asked if someone had spat on the wall. I lol’d.

PLEISURE

I’m not quite ready for a finger in my bum hole but I’ve reached an agreement with the girlfriend where she gently rubs my hole while wanking me off and it feels great. I recommend it for those who are stlll a little nervous about ass play.

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).