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MCASSMAGGIO

When I was a teen my dad sent me and my brother to spend a few days at this Italian monastery in the mountains that he thought would do us some good. The priests would wake everyone up early and we’d drink coffee and wine so we were always pissed before 8am. Anyway one night one of the priests told me to follow him alone into church away from everyone else. Being a guest and little bit tipsy I went along. Long story short we got to church and he sat down close to me, uncomfortably close, and said with his Italian accent “you know, it’s not a coincidence that you are here with me now.” Before things got weirder I made my excuses and left. Told my dad about this later and he says I was being paranoid but I’m 100% sure that priest was trying to f*** me in church that night. FML.

IMSORRY

I got scolded by an entire family the other day because my dog pooped outside their house and I didn’t have any bags to pick it up. They were just arriving back home and saw the whole thing. I knew they were in the right so I just hurried off with my head hanging in shame

SYXPAC

Once I asked for the number of a girl that served me at a drive through. She smiled and said OK then went off to grab a pen. As I see her coming back her manager (big angry woman) comes to the window and says “What’s wrong with you! She’s 16!” I drove off without my food

DRAG-ON

I smoked heroin a few times as a teen and was lucky to resist the addiction, but I can confirm it is the most amazing feeling in the world. Despite being in a bad place at the time for about 20 minutes I was the happiest boy in the world. Highly recommended! Well, sort of.

TEESEONCOAT

I can only wank to transgender porn if they have a smaller cock than me.

wineburger

Girlfriend of about 6 months and I got pretty drunk the other night. We’re both 25 and dating history came up. Turns out she was a bit of a wild child and has a pretty high “number”. I was visibly shocked wen she told me and said “wow” and now she’s furious at me and accusing me of thinking she’s a slag. I’m not really that bothered but I was surprised, that’s all. But now she has a complex that I think she’s a slapper. Wish I’d never asked now.

COOL GUY 123

Sometimes I go to the toilet just to randomly wipe my arse without even taking a shit. Just feels right to give it a little wipe.

[no name]

Aged 8 I had a chronic scalp condition which baffled doctors and required treatment. For reasons unknown, I would regularly stand in the kitchen, tipping salt on my hair and rubbing it into my scalp. I stopped and it cleared up when they said I could go bald.

CCASSIDY

Girlfriend got up to let the cat out one morning and told me she’d be back for some morning sex. She didn’t return and later when i asked her why she said oh I decided to make a coffee instead. That same night i f****d her so hard just to reassert my dominance in the relationship

UNJADED

I watched ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ alone last night while eating a tub of Haagen Dasz. I’m a 22 year old male. What can I say? I love rom coms.

DUMBASS

I’m marrying the girl that me and my mate double teamed 10 years ago. Really wish that never happened

[no name]

I was at Uni in halls. Stuff always being stolen from our fridge. I bought a carton of UHT milk, wrote “do not use”, then added an “ingredient” from the photo lab. Next day it was gone. Dude upstairs literally shat himself unconscious, ended up in hospital on a drip. Oops.

JAY

I was so depressed about splitting up with my girlfriend, that I didn’t come into work for a week. Work rang and I told them that my mum had died and that the funeral was in another week. Anyway, everyone at work (about 60 people) have given their condolences and that. Still carrying on with the lie. Someone is going to find me out eventually.

BIGYAO

I was working an overnight shift at work one evening. I was using my phone for an irrelevant reason and a slightly older (I was 21 she was 28) very attractive Spanish girl asked me in broken English if I had just asked for her number. I laughed it off saying that she was hearing things. It was only the next day when I told my mate the story and he pointed out that she was chirpsing me and trying to get me to take her number. another name to the long list of failed possibilities

[no name]

I’m a gas engineer. Worked in a customers house and he was an absolute prick of a guy. He was doing a 1000 piece jigsaw. When I left I stole one piece. The satisfaction knowing he’d spend hours searching for it brings me nothing but satisfaction more than 15yrs later

LIGER

I had a dream last night where my penis magically grew to 8 inches and a group of girls were complimenting me on it. Woke up and thought it was real for a second… nope, still a solid 5.5.

DICKIEDICKINSON

I sold an 1/8^th of some random food spice to a kid with autism at my uni because my mates thought it would be the funniest thing ever. I still torture myself over that 5 years on… how could I be such a heartless prick. Wish I could run into the guy again and do something nice for him

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).