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Let’s go…

calvin

In Year 8 I had to get my first sports physical which meant stripping naked. My mum was in the room with me. I was embarrassed to show the doctor my twig and berries but when i dropped my pants my mum looked right at my willy and erupted into laughter. Self esteem has been downhill ever since.

WHOPPER10

Me and my girlfriend are both a bit on the larger side, and one night while we were shagging she requested, for the first time, that I talk dirty to her. I don’t know how, but I instantly came out with “yeah you like that you fat fucking bitch”. She was fuming mad and left the room and didn’t look or talk to me until the next day.

INFECTED

I was at Maccy D’s the other day and one of the employees said to this black girl with an afro ‘Oh I like your hair, how long does it take to do it?’ The black girl went nuts at him about how it’s not appropriate to ask minorities those questions, especially black females. The fucked up thing is the worker was a gay Eastern European dude, probably the biggest minority in the room. Pissed me off and wish I’d spoken up for him.

FML420

If I don’t keep my pubes trimmed my penis virtually disappears

ANONEMOUSE

When I was around 13 the internet was yet to go mainstream so I was stuck wanking to Playboy magazines and late night TV. Anyway, for ages I had this one magazine I’d constantly wank off to. After a few months I got bored of wanking over the same girls so I tried to make things interesting by writing perverted stories about the girls in the pictures. I wrote stuff so disgusting I can’t even share it here. I would then rip the stories up and put them in the bin because my parents would have probably put me in a mental home if they found and read them

help me

My girlfriend can’t pass up a deal. £20 off an order of £180, wow! It’s like they’re paying her to take these clothes and add them to the pile of things she’ll never wear.

DRB

I am in love with my girlfriend’s 18 year old cousin. It sounds pathetic but I’d do anything to fuck her. I’m 25.

STREPTHROAT

Back in school the class bully threatened to beat me up if I didn’t show him my dick. I refused so true to his word he trapped me at the back of the school bus and dead armed me until I pulled my tiny little penis out. He studied it for a few seconds, laughed and then left me alone for the rest of the year.

[no name]

I work on social media for a top UK supermarket. Sometimes after work I’ll log into my troll account and abuse the customers that are c*nts since I can’t do it on the work account.

SWANS_ARE_GAY

Someone in the cubicle next to me at work did a louder piss than me and it made me feel like less of a man

[no name]

My sons guinea pig died the other year, he occasionally visits the place in the local woods where he asked me to bury it – he would be better standing at the bin next to the bus stop as that’s the noisy sod’s final resting place.

DJC

Some kids on my street were kicking over bins and generally being nuisances, so I called the police who came down and got them to clear off. If that makes me a snitch, I don’t give a fuck

SIR PISS A LOT

I work from home and for months one of my neighbours has been renovating their property. Obviously it entails a certain amount of noise but I’m a reasonable guy and put up with it. That was until it dragged on for six months and the main builder turned out to have a penchant for cocaine and listening to drum and bass as loudly as possible throughout the entire day. The dickhead also constantly blocked in other residents with his shit parking. After making multiple requests for him to be more considerate of the residents I eventually had enough and started pissing in the same glass every day and throwing it out of my window and onto his car. I did this for about a month, he never seemed to notice.

NOTTSCARLY

I love my parents so much but talking to them on the phone is absolute torture

RICHIE CUNNINGHAM

In the time it just took me to get through to Barclays on the phone, I just had; a wank, a cigarette, got myself a glass of orange squash and even had time to write this fucking confession. Absolutely ridiculous customer service.

DENZ

Told this girl on Tinder I was 6’0 & I’m supposed to meet her tomorrow. I’m 5’9.

ZAPPLIN

We’ve got a mate in our group who’s still a virgin at 25. I don’t think he’s gay, just a bit of a weirdo. I can’t tell if he’s just not into women/sex in general or if it’s his shyness holding him back and he just feels like there’s no point even trying. We don’t bring it up or make ffun of him for it but the other day we were talking about getting a prostitute for him. I’m not sure that’s a good idea, but I really hope it’s not something that troubles him and that he can’t talk to us about it.

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).