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NANDOSNIGHTMARE

Every Friday for two years I would go to Nandos for lunch. I had a Nandos card and a Nandos stamper I bought on eBay from a cheeky ex-employee (this is before they went electronic). So I would just hand in a fully completed card each time, eat my free meal, and then do the same next week. Pretty sweet deal. Well inevitably one day the manager came out of nowhere while I was ordering my food and he says he wondered why there was the same free meal being rung up every Friday at the same time. He didn’t believe my story that I eat Nandos every day of the week and only go to his branch for the free meal on Fridays. The guy lost the plot on me, grabbed my Nandos card and ripped it up, told me I was a thief and owed him thousands of pounds for free Nandos I’d eaten over the years. It wasn’t easy taking him seriously because his flies were undone but the fact is he had me rumbled. He called the police and they visited me at my house but in the end I was just banned from Nando’s as they couldn’t prove I hadn’t earned the stamps every week. Shortly after that they did away with the stamps altogether – sometimes I think it was all because of me.

MYLITTLESECRET

I get into arguments with trans activists on the internet all the time and am pretty mean to them to the point I always feel bad afterwards. Especially since I wank to shemale/femboy porn most nights.

CHARLIE CCZA

I used to spend a lot of time watching “How to Crip Walk” videos on YouTube to try and teach myself how to do it

DRSTBRTHR

When we were in year 8 this girl pissed us off and I said to my friend ‘we should piss in her desk or something as joke’, she took it seriously even though I was joking, got a cup and pissed into it and proceeded to pour it over this girls books. Later we had to clean our desks out and this girl tells our teacher something weirds in her desk so we told her it was apple juice. So she licked her calculator clean. No regrets whatsoever, gotta love all girls schools

SPOOGE27

I recently discovered an amateur porn video ‘called ‘prostitute removes condom’. Basically the cameras focused down there and you see her fingers sneakily take it off and throw it away. I keep bashing off over it so now it’s got to the point I’m fantasising about hiring a hooker, she does it to me and I get an STD or she gets pregnant. I really want it to happen!

GASEOUSWASTEOUS

Had an amazing blowjob today, I lasted ages because had to concentrate really hard on not letting a stinky fart out

EXYAYOFIEND

When I was 15 I punched my mum in the face because she came in my room while I was sleeping, having a go at me and pulled open the blinds while I was on a massive coke comedown. We’re friends now though.

CHICOWIZ

I was completely exposed in front of my girlfriend the other week when we broke down with a flat tyre. I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it and now feel considerably less manly after having the AA come down and basically save us. Pretty sure she fancied one of the AA guys too.

SUKH1

I disgust myself with the things I type into the PornHub search engine but then feel pretty good when I find exactly what I’m looking for

DENZELPOSHINGTON

Walking home from a night out in London and went for not one but two dodgy street burgers on the way home. Desperately needed to shit straight after and had to wipe it up with the Calvin Klein’s my mum had bought me for Christmas a few weeks earlier.Slept outside Euston and got the first train out of London in my shitty commando state. Woke up in Birmingham (about an hour past where I should have got off) and had to take the train back with all the commuters going in for their Friday morning 9am.

DUMBASS

I’m marrying the girl that me and my mate double teamed 10 years ago. Really wish that never happened

EQAN

I once kicked the shit out of a girl when I was 14. I actually quite liked her but she kept bullying me in that way hot girls do about my acne, and so one day I snapped and threw a basketball with some force into her face. As she was stunned I took a run up and fly-kicked her hard in the chest. She went flying into this gym frame and everyone gasped in horror. Needless to say I was expelled, sent to counselling, the lot. I do regret it but at the same time I’m not mad at my 14 year old self for doing it.

LOW_INK_LEVELS

My first forays into wanking involved printing pictures I found on google, jizzing on them in the shower, disintegrating them with water, and then washing the whole sorry mess down the drain.

SIKNASTY

A few years back I was on a major dry spell and had brought back a girl from work to mine after we got hammered drunk. I go to eat her out and feel my tongue brush against a tampon which she forgot was in there. I pulled it out and fucked her anyway, not ashamed.

SPICYJAEGER

I’ve wanked off 5 times today. One was a mature and the other was a twerking black girl. Can’t remember what the other 3 were

STYLER1989

I only say “I love you” to my girlfriend if she says it first.

IKRANPUL

I like to start snapchat stories of people I don’t like and not finish them. Hopefully it hurts their feelings

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You are forgiven. See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).