Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

[no name]

Our kettle is 15ft away from the fridge. If I’m making someone a cup of tea, I swig a mouthful of milk, walk over to the cup with teabag in and spit the milk into the cup

[NO NAME]

My first job was at McDonalds. I was 16 years old. A few months in, I grabbed a sleeve of lids that were on a high rack. The plastic sleeve got caught and when I pulled, it tore open and about half the lids fell out down into the fry vat. No one saw, I didn’t say a word

wordsworth

My work is trying to make us attend virtual pride month seminars with gay and transgender keynote speakers. I’m beyond annoyed because we’re expected to attend these events outside normal work hours. I am not bigoted and barely pay attention to politics. Why should I waste my time?

[no name]

When I was younger I used to masturbate to Lilly Savage. That is until I found out it was Paul O’Grady in drag.

[no name]

When I was much younger I stole a Louis Vuitton handbag from a nightclub and gave it to my new girlfriend as a present.

TD29

When I was 8 or 9 I shat myself in PE. Just one little nugget of poo that went down my shorts and onto the gym mats. Our teacher (hilarious German guy) saw it and said “OK, who has been eating chocolate?”. He made us line up and show him our teeth. Then he bent over, picked up my poo, and went and put it in the bin. Later I saw him washing his hands at the water fountain looking pissed off and asked him what he was doing. He said “Well, Matthew, I thought that was a little piece of chocolate, but now I realise…it was something else.”

cranberry

I regret getting vaccinated and lacking the strength of character to not cave into societal pressure.

[no name]

If you find that your phone number or email address constantly gets spam, it’s because you were once really rude to someone who works in a call centre

SYNTHETIKHUMAN

I can’t pee at urinals if there’s a black guy standing next to me

[NO NAME]

When I was 8, I collected loads of bees in a jam jar, put the lid on, and shook them till they were all dead. I have regretted it and thought about it every single day since. I am so ashamed.

EUKODOLLEE

After I came I couldn’t find anything to clean up so I used an old receipt

OH_

I’ve got a secret folder where I’ve saved Facebook pictures of my girlfriend’s friends. Words can’t describe the shame I feel in the moment following my wanks but I can’t help doing it again and again

DIDDLER

Sometimes I get really stoned and convince myself the lottery numbers running through my head are 100% the winning numbers for that day or week. I even quietly promise to god that I won’t tell anyone about our supernatural connection when I win. I play my numbers online and of course just end up wasting money. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for 6 years and the most I’ve ever won is a tenner.

PROVAN1

I didn’t wish my mother-in-law a happy birthday because I was stoned all day and didn’t trust myself to sound coherent on the phone

ASLEEPYPLATYPUS

I bought a box of weed brownies from some rasta dude in Camden, me and my boys ate them all over the course of the day and had zero effect. Scammed us good and proper. Now I can’t shake the idea that he jizzed in them or something.

GOOFYDUDE

In my early 20s, I snorted a line of Old El Paso fajita seasoning for £20…

[NO NAME]

My dad has a brain tumour and will be dead soon. It’s been awful seeing him deteriorate into someone none of us recognise. He wakes up in sweats thinking there are spiders all over him and that people are breaking into the house to kill him. I feel really bad for my mum having to see him like this. Not really a confession just a reminder to people to cherish their loved ones while they’re still with us and in good health.

—–

You are forgiven. See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).