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Let’s go…

mrlaughgas

Got a phone call the other day and thought it was a spam call. So I farted in the phone and hung up. Got a call back instantly and turns out it was my dentist office confirming my appointment. Oops.

ggosign

I bumped into some waster I haven’t seen in like 5 years, thought I’d never see him again. One of these guys who really wants you to think he’s cool but he’s just so see-through and try-hard. Not a bad guy, just overbearing and cringeworthy. He even used to ask my girlfriend why I’d never hang out with him (not showing off here, I’m really not that cool). Anyway, I panicked and gave him my number after he asked and he said he’d text me soon so we could go for a drink. I know that text is coming any day now and it’s stressing me out more than it should. I really wish I was more of an arsheole, being fake-nice is a curse.

yaboinilko

Full Moon party in Thailand. Went with the boys. Drank two buckets of vodka red bull, got lost and the rest of the night remains a blur. As the sun came up I was coming out of my stupor and realised the “girl” I was with was a little, erm, manly looking. To this day I’ve no clue if I did anything with her, how long we were together etc, and I’m OK not remembering.

nullus

The girlfriend and I were watching Euphoria. When Sydney Sweeney got her boobies out I instinctively said “woah” and girlfriend got genuinely upset over it. She doesn’t even want to watch the rest of the series with me. Oh well, her loss.

feki brown

I drove for an hour to pick up some weed only for my dealer to have his phone off when I arrived

d durkan

I really love going down on women. It’s my favourite thing to do. I guess I’m a dirty dog.

pumpz

A few years ago I had to testify in court over some landlord bollocks. I get to court early and go sit right at the back of the waiting area to wait for my lawyer. In the meantime I take out my phone to pass the time and forget that I haven’t used it since watching porn the night before. As soon as I open my browser the unmistakeable sound of some girl getting banged just blurts out of my phone at full volume. I shut it down within 1.5 seconds but by then it was too late. Literally everyone turned around and looked at me. To all of them it must’ve looked like I was intentionally trying to watch porn in court to pass the time like some deviant.

Batches1

When I was very young I got into a fight with a black girl in the playground (I’m male) and pulled her hair so hard that her extensions came out. I freaked out because I thought I’d literally scalped her. Then someone told me black girls wear extensions because they have cancer and I felt even worse

Drain_The_Pain

I remember my first wank like it was yesterday. When I was little we had Sky analog, when my parents went to bed I use to stay up and watch WWF Raw is War on a Friday night, one Friday night the wrestling finished and suddenly private blue came on the TV, my heart began to beat extremely fast and I got a hard on, I touched myself and suddenly felt like I was going to piss so I ran to the drain, which was next to the back door and proceeded to cum down the drain. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but now I realise it was the best wank I ever had. I was roughly 11 years of age, I’m 28 now.

Wolo

A female co-worker who I’ve fancied for months made fun of my haircut and it genuinely hurt me. I’ve had this haircut for years so I feel like changing it now would make it too obvious that it’s because of her comment. FML

Nighttimelover

One night I was super horny and my boyfriend was sleeping next to me. I leaned over and got him going then jumped on and rode him like no tomorrow. He was very into it, bucking me over and over again but he still had his eyes closed and was quieter than normal. When I’d come he just sort of hugged me and rolled over onto his side so we both just fell asleep.

In the morning, when I asked why he hadn’t finished he didn’t remember and had no idea what I was going on about.

I basically raped him….

pedrino82

Yesterday I left my house to go to work and my neighbour was getting a pizza delivered at like 830am. I’ve never been more jealous of anyone in my life.

gamgam

I haven’t masturbated in 3 days now and I’m beginning to worry about myself. Extremely out of character.

pondlife

I check my toilet paper after every wipe. On the odd occasion there’s a streak of blood in there but nothing to worry about I think

Mrs Robinson

I used to flatshare with a guy who was always making a mess, breaking shit and denying responsibility, and generally being an inconsiderate, immature Mummy’s boy. Chris, the day I moved out, I urinated in your mouthwash.

simeone

When I was around 14 one of the hot girls at school left her gym bag open and her bra was right on top of everything. I stuffed it into my bag and took it home where I proceeded to wrap it around my dick and wank to completion. Good times.

Daryll

I really miss having sex with 18 year olds. Don’t waste your youth kids.