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Let’s go…

workbench

Many years ago I was in a cab and received a nude from the girl I was on my way to go meet. I showed it to the Pakistani cabby whose face LIT UP with joy. Not sure if I broke any cultural/religious boundaries there but the look of happiness on his face more than made up for it.

buddycrev

The water filter on my kitchen tap makes filling a glass of water a slow process. Sometimes I get impatient and take a piss in the adjacent sink to see if I can finish before the glass fills up.

enricoclatteli

I was so drunk at an airport once I could barely talk. The lady working at the counter thought I was deaf so I just rolled with it.

anthropos

Sharted myself at the office this week. Somehow didn’t realise it happened until I went to take a dump. Threw out my boxers, wiped up the small mess in my trousers and went commando for the rest of the day. I’m 29.

grewal1989

My GF is 5’0 and 45kg. She stomps her feet so loud when she walks around the flat. We constantly have neighbours banging on the roof because it sounds like someone doing box jumps in our flat. I don’t understand how someone so small can make so much noise.

himbo

The other day I asked my uber driver if he wanted to just not wear masks and I’ve never become anyone’s favourite person so quickly in my life. He was absolutely delighted. Banked 5 stars on that one, no doubt!

iforget

Several times a month when I’m getting ready in the morning, I accidentally put on deodorant only a few minutes after already putting it on, or go to brush my teeth and realise the toothbrush is already wet. Pretty sure it’s early onset dementia.

big poppa

My local Coop has moved to 100% self checkout because they’re understaffed. I recently discovered there’s no alarm at the exit if you walk out with something you haven’t paid for. Given the rate of inflation recently I’ve decided to steal my daughter’s diapers every couple weeks plus a bottle of Coke if the mood takes me.

[no name]

My gf has small boobs. I love her more than words, but knowing I’ll never fondle big boobs again makes me a bit sad. She probably feels the same about my cock.

MACROFIFE

I got expelled from school for telling the history teacher he walks like he’s got a dildo up his arse. I feel like you’d get away with that these days

[no name]

When in the shower, I use my pubes as a kind of loofah, to get the shower gel to foam up, then apply the foam to the rest of my body.

nilsskils

I got hit on by a 16 year old Katie Price wannabe on the train but rejected her as I’m 25 (not to mention I have a girlfriend). Is it wrong that I bashed one out to her later?

pity me

I suffered a sports injury to my penis which was so brutal that the scar tissue that then formed inside my urethra started blocking my urine and cum from coming out. It’s called a urethral stricture, and I now have to go in for a highly invasive operation that involves them crushing the scar tissue inside my cock and then slicing it open so my urine/cum can flow out properly again. It will be months still before I piss properly or have sex again.

bruno

My dog loves everyone but growls when he spots one particular guy at the bus stop outside our window. Dodgy looking guy in a flat cap. I’ve been seriously considering following him one day as I’m sure my dog has sensed something very wrong about him

Greenfeind

I only get high so I can have a banging wank

whitegloves

When I was about 17 my aunt asked me to watch their house and 3 cats while they went away for week. I was excited about the free house but was never fond of cats. Anyway all was going fine, except one cat was the biggest arsehole ever and spent the whole week crying and randomly attacking my ankles every time I got up off the sofa. One of the last nights as I was leavin the house the little shit tried to run out of the door before I closed it and I accidentally slammed it shut on its head. The door just bounced off him so it was pretty dangerous impact and I began shitting it. Anyway 5 years later Nounou is still with us but I’m pretty sure he’s brain damaged as he is now the loveliest, most affectionate cat ever

[no name]

I realized what a piece of shit I am when I bumped into a lass in the street I knew who had just been dumped and was really upset and clearly needed comforting. She asked me for a hug, so I gave her one, but she was quite big and all I can remember thinking was “I hope none of these people driving past think she’s my girlfriend…” I felt so ashamed of myself afterwards

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See you next Friday, you bunch of weirdos!

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).