Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

DVZN

I told my teacher in 8th grade sex education that I had syphilis as a kid. They called my mum. Turns out I had psoriasis.

taz

When I was maybe 9, an older girl in our street was notorious for bullying us. One day another girl, a great athlete, saw her doing this, confronted her, and ended up judo throwing her onto the pavement and breaking her arm. She’s still my hero.

JDIDDLY

I think I’d be a lot more successful in life if my cock was just two inches bigger

catmusic

Recently started a job in admissions with a big rehab company. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Talked to a girl recently who was in the hospital after an overdose and her family was working with me to get her into treatment. She refused. She was discharged and was not picking up her phone. I called her mum and she told me her daughter died within a few hours of leaving the hospital from another overdose. Really messing with my head that I didn’t do more to convince her to get help.

DENZ

Told this girl on Tinder I was 6’0 & I’m supposed to meet her tomorrow. I’m 5’9.

WOLFSHED

I had to spell ‘Wednesday’ under pressure during a work meeting and my mind went completely blank. Luckily my colleague literally spelled it out for me when I got stuck after ‘Wed’ but my boss now thinks I’m a fcking idiot

DORKINSMCAB

This hot girl from work was banging the 45 year old guy from work. I got invited out to the theatre with her and this other couple from work so me being the idiot I am I assumed it was a double date and ended up paying for everything. Went to the bar after and guess who shows up? The 45 year old guy from work. Immediately slides in and puts his arm around her and she’s loving it. My caveman DNA starts firing off. The guy asks me how I’m doing with a big “I’m getting sex tonight and you’re not” smile on his face. I said “what are you even doing here you old prick? You’re like 50”. Long story short I end up getting punched in the face by a girl, put in an armlock by a bouncer and thrown out, then hugged a homeless man on the way back to my car, which I slept in before waking up shirtless and sweating at 6am. I learned a lot that day.

MAKING LOVE TO AIR

When my girlfriend tells me to go deeper, it feels like I’m fucking a large hoop earring. I feel nothing.

MARTYMCFLY07

I went for a happy ending massage and was so drunk I couldn’t come after 50 mins non-stop wanking. In the end the woman told me her hand hurt and I should leave. On the way out all the other masseuses were giggling and I guess she must have told them all that I couldn’t cum. Most weirdly humiliating moment I’ve had in a long time

MONKEYSOUL

I have no plan in life beyond when I’m getting my next drink

MYBAD

I was at my little cousin’s football game watching with the rest of the adults from the sidelines. Our team won and we all went purposely OTT at the end with our celebrations like they’d just won a trophy. At one point I see this huge man in front of me who I know was cheering the same team so I do a run up and jump on his back to celebrate some more piggy-back style. He let out a cry of pain and crumped to the floor while everyone freaked out at me — turns out he’d just come off major back surgery. He went back into hospital but was OK. My dad wrote him a cheque as an apology.

BCW

When I first started smoking weed it was the most fun in the world. Ever since I graduated uni and got a real job I can’t get high without getting paranoid and thinking the worst most negative thoughts. Anyone know how I can get high like a normal person again?

DANNY R

a couple of nights ago i took a girl home that i met at a club. whilst we were having sex, i looked down and noticed my condom has slipped off. it was dark so i just put another one on and kept going. the next morning when she left, i tried to look for the condom. it was nowhere to be seen. it was either lodged inside her somewhere.. or she had taken it home. either way i was left speechless.

MR DEEDS

My girlfriend looks like Gianna Michaels minus the huge boobs and willingness to give BJs

ISLINGTONGUY

My dick accidentally touched the urinal at a club and the next day my dick head had red blemishes all over and was itchy as fuck. Turns out it was balanitis, easily treatable but still a wake-up call to be very careful at urinals

COMMA

My long term fuck buddy has stopped having sex with me unless we start going out, but she still came round the other night to sleep over. She resisted all my attempts at sex but in the morning I climbed on top of her and rubbed my boner onto her bum until I jizzed.

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See you next Friday, you bunch of weirdos!

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).