Sick Chirpse is back and so is Confessions every Friday. Just note the Confessions box is broken so you’ll have to send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

merlin

My nan is old and has non stop calls from sales people trying to take advantage of her. When I’m there I answer the phone and tell them she recently died. Some of them don’t care but I feel bad because some react with genuine sadness.

notsobigdipper

Was having a blast one night on holiday with a big group of girls and guys but I went home early while everyone else went skinny dipping at the beach at 4am because I didn’t want them to see my tiny penis. Having a small cock will ruin your life.

maccles

My son had a school race this week. I asked if the whole secondary school ran. He said almost everyone did, except a handful didn’t. I asked why and he said “they couldn’t decide if they should run with the boys or girls.” There wasn’t a non binary race, you see. I’m speechless.

killme

I thought my boyfriend was joking about his foot fetish until he showed me his Pornhub history, then told me to I should “start looking after your feet better”.

scotch crotch

I legitimately woke up in a meeting once when I heard my boss’s voice say “is everyone sleeping back there?” I don’t think he actually thought anyone was sleeping

tarkus

My ex found a cat which she adopted back when we were together. One day we got into a fight and I put the cat in a box and said ‘take your cat and fuck off’. She took her home and a few days later I find out the cat escaped from the family’s house and got run over and killed not far away. Still haunts me that she’d probably still be alive if I hadn’t used her as a pawn in a stupid argument.

tuff1110

When I was about 9 years old I was in the bath and got an erection. I got out and showed it to my mum because I was worried that something was horribly wrong. She told me it was nothing to worry about. That is the last time a female has seen my dick hard.

doubledare22

My girlfriend won’t let me eat dark chocolate because it reminds her of her ex boyfriend too much. WTF?

st grenaldo

I’ve started saying hi/smiling at ugly girls cos I might have a daughter in December and what if she’s ugly

NEVERWINTER NITES

Went on holiday. Took my phone up to the rooftop pool. Sat in there for a full half hour before realising it was still in my pocket of my trunks. Got back to hotel room without reacting and acted like it had bricked completely randomly so i didnt have to explain to anyone that i was an idiot.

lairdhamilton

My sister in the biggest slag in school and it’s not even close.

buzkil

I’m a 33 year old man. I matched with a 20 year old student on Tinder and travelled two hours on the train to have sex with her in her campus dorm. I’ve been back once more already. I’m pretty sure she’s just using me as practice (which is funny because I’m terrible at sex) but I’m not complaining.

destructive enemy

I paid £150 for a handjob from the Chinese massage place after doing lines of coke all night. I need help.

Pacedropper

I once scored in the wrong hoop during a basketball game. Me and this kid were talking shit to each other and I was so fired up I jumped up for a rebound over everyone and put it right back in my own net. My brain just switched off for a split second. Never lived it down.

badshahtiloo

I’ve never been much of a tequila girl. Last weekend I blacked out from tequila and turned into a raging sex crazed machine. Ended up snapping my entire friends list a picture of my boobs. Spent the last week trying to figure out the best way to kill myself. Any suggestions?

15:17

Didn’t know you were meant to pull your foreskin back to wash it until I was like 13, so by the time I managed to do it my bellend looked like I’d dipped it in dick cheese fondu

—–

[Reminder – the Confessions box is permanently broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous!).

See you next Friday!