The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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BLUD00

When I was growing up we had this big adult sized teddy bear stuffed with cotton just sitting in the corner of my room. Me and my bros would do wrestling moves on it. Well one day after much wear and tear the giant teddy bear opened up a rip between its legs. Anyway I began routinely fucking this teddy bear after school. Literally sticking my bare dick into the hole and slamming away at the cotton till I jizzed. Nearly 15 years later I’m still ashamed of myself

silent plopper

I’m so embarrassed about people hearing me pooing at work that every time I poo I wrap my hand in toilet roll, catch the poo and gently drop it into the water to avoid any loud splashy sounds

REDD

I can’t have sex with athletic girls because my penis won’t fit in the good positions

dicktown

When I was 17 I got peer pressured into pissing on a sleeping homeless person and when he woke up and protested my mate threatened to beat him up. We walked off laughing at this piss-soaked tramp and I hate myself for it. I don’t even hang out with that mate anymore.

phoelix

My girlfriend is quitting her job, meaning for the first time she’ll be home on weeknights and Saturday nights. This is going to have a drastic effect on my nightly schedule of smoking up and and playing PS4

9PUZZLE

Got raped by a “big” girl at uni. Admittedly I was so drunk I brought her back to my room but I fell asleep after munching half a kebab. I woke up with her aggressively wanking my cock trying to get me hard. She then jumped on and rode my flaccid penis while I mumbled jibberish at her. I remember asking what she was doing and telling her to “just go home”. The rest is a blur but I also remember her eating the rest of my kebab before she left #metoo

JETOUTLAW

My GF’s dad is currently in hospital and its not looking good. He hates my guts and the feeling is mutual. Wouldn’t say I feel too bad about it, but there is some guilt there.

JCAMINI

I’m on Pay as u go

Dg400

Did anal with a guy I met on tinder a few months back. Later on that evening (after the deed was done) I found what I thought was a black wine gum stuck to my knee, turns out it was a lump of my own shit.

bustedfc

The other night my girlfriend got home from drinking wine with her girlfriend and I fucked her like a savage through a hole I ripped in her tights the came on her belly button/shirt. The best part is she wants to make this a regular thing

justsomeprat

The most amazing pussy I’ve ever seen and touched belonged to the ugliest girl I’ve ever been with. Maybe because it doesn’t get used much?

deviousdan

I literally spent years prank calling this random dealer who ripped me off for about half a g of coke. Sometimes I’d call him at 2am and he’d answer and I would make weird clicking sounds with my tongue down the phone while he stayed on the line whispering “what the fuuuuck?” to himself. Spooked him many a time. That’s what happens when people rip me off

WINCEST

I’d fuck my aunt if she offered it.

[name withheld]

I realized what a piece of shit I am when I bumped into a lass in the street I knew who had just been dumped and was really upset and clearly needed comforting. She asked me for a hug, so I gave her one, but she was quite big and all I can remember thinking was “I hope none of these people driving past think she’s my girlfriend…” I felt so ashamed of myself afterwards

onaroll

At Halloween me and my then-girlfriend had agreed to go in His and Hers SWAT team gear so we purchased the costumes 3 week early ready to go. Unfortunately she dumped me in those 3 weeks, but anyway the party comes and I’m too lazy to find anything new so I wear my SWAT gear. She shows up and is dressed as something totally different.She sees me in our original costume and starts getting emotional and saying she misses me but I wasn’t having any of it. Long story short I end up hooking up with a girl she hates in front of her and it felt so good having my heartless ex watching and wanting me back. Have a good weekend everyone!

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[Note – the Confessions box is permanently broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous!).

See you next Friday!