The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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sterlin harjo

My mum told me when I was young that I would have to fight off the girls when I grow up because I was so handsome. That turned out to be a lie.

GOOD LAWD

When I was 14, my also 14 year old step sister found a VHS porn in her dad’s room. We watched the video together and she fingered herself while I awkwardly sat there with a boner. Never touched each other or did anything like it after that, but the recommendations on Pornhub make me think about it every time I wank.

milktoast

About 10 years on a Monday after the football, I had the worst hangover you could imagine. I had to pull over in morning traffic on the motorway to take a huge dump. It was 6am, still dark, I hid between the front and back door of my car, squatted and took a massive diarrhea shit. Wiped my arse with some old napkins but it was never going to be enough. And this is why I now take Mondays off in advance if I’m going to the footie.

DOESNTMATTER

I knew a guy who committed suicide a few years back. Didn’t know him well but we hung out a few times. Anyway the last time I saw him I was in a rush to leave and gave him a crappy awkward handshake as we said goodbye. I went for a fist bump and he went for a shake and I basically ended up shaking his fingers. Few months later he hung himself. Really annoys me that flop of a handshake was the last interaction we had.

nonprophet

If someone beeps at me while I’m driving it kills my mood for the rest of the day.

JEGALO

I drove 45 minutes to meet a girl I’d been talking to for 3 hours on Tinder at her house. She didn’t look like her pics so after literally 1 minute I said I forgot something in the car and drove off with my heart in my mouth, never to be seen again. Her text to me 5 mins later = “dick head”

DISKREET

Sometimes I’ll go to the toilet and wipe my arse and there’ll be a bit of poop on the tissue even though I haven’t had a shit that day.

MRVANILLA

My girlfriend wouldn’t let me bang last night so I wanked off to her slutty friend’s IG.

MY CONFESSION

I was running up the stairs at my girlfriend’s house and smashed my toe against the stairs, screaming in pain and taking far too long to fully recover. Her dad now thinks I’m the biggest pussy on Earth and don’t know what manly act I’m going to have to commit to make it up to him

7monthleft

Friends are all starting to get married and have kids. Can’t help but feel like I’m falling behind in life. Statistically 33% of them will end up divorced though so maybe it’s not so bad.

BUSCOWARD

I got started on by a couple of school kids (13 or 14 yrs maybe) on the bus for no reason. I ignored them the whole time but as I left the bus one of them pulled me back from my backpack. That’s when I snapped and turned and yelled at him “what the FUCKS wrong with you?”…. he was not scared at all. People broke us up and I’m glad they did because I think he would have kicked my ass. I’m 25.

NEVER AGAIN

I banged a Romanian hooker bareback and soon after one of my eyes turned red and I was pissing razor blades. Went to the GUM clinic and did all the tests including the swab down my penis (brutal) and all the tests came back negative!! I got tested for literally everything and had no STD. In the end it just cleared up by itself but I wonder whether I picked up something no one’s ever heard of before.

MR NEPTUNE

I’m 29 years old and still dream of becoming a famous footballer one day.

LOVERORA

My girlfriend wiped my ass for me when I was blackout drunk and shat myself. What a girl.

JOHNNY SQUAREHEAD

Since the hot new girl started working at the office it’s made getting up to go to work so much easier. I actually look forward to Mondays now even though I’ve said about 3 words to her in 3 weeks and there’s a 0.001% chance I’ll ever get to bang her.

WYRELESS

There was a girl at my school who everyone was practically in love with. One day I stole her bra out of her sports bag, took it home, and wore it on my head while I had a wank. Another time I wrapped it round my dick and did the same. Then I got paranoid and cut it up and threw it in the bin. I was a weird kid.

TEEBOB

My dad’s pretty racist

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[Note – the Confessions box is permanently broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous!).

See you next Friday!