The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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conehead

My girlfriend points out other girls to me walking down the street that aren’t wearing a bra so I don’t miss the titties through their shirts. I think she might be the one.

samlp

I’ve been picking up from this dealer for about a year now and the other day for the first time I invited him to chill and have a smoke with me before he left. Anyway somehow politics come up and I shit you not – this guy did not know who Boris Johnson was. I said (trying to hide my shock) “he’s the British prime minister” and this guy just shrugs and goes “doesn’t affect me man”. Then he started playing me some shit grime songs off his phone. Never again.

MEGABUM

Once I was coming back from visiting a girlfriend in glasgow on a megabus over night, her mum had made me this dog awful chilli (she boiled the mince)…it smelt so gross. Anyway after I finished the boiled mince and undercooked rice I got on the megabus. About 3am I woke up as I need to be sick fast BOTH ENDS. I destroyed the toilet, like it looked like a bomb hit it. No one on the coach was awake..about an hour after my fight with the bog and old woman went in the toilets and freaked out massively. The coach pulled over and the driver was questioning everyone to figure out who did it. When it was my turn I basically grassed in a drunk Scottish guy who was asleep at the back of the bus….the driver kicked him off the coach. Don’t regret it

iqval

I got a handjob from an Essex MILF with long finger nails a few days ago. Kind of hurt, and now I can’t get a boner.

the wanderer

Went on a camping trip with some buddies. Got drunk and the next morning I was so hungover and horny that I walked out into the woods about 75 yards and had a wank. Great start to the day.

Ljm346

When I was at uni I hooked up with this girl who’s probably the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I don’t know how my lines were working so well but I was at peak confidence. We have some drinks then on the way home we walk past her apparently ex boyfriend and his friends and she tries to make him jealous by kissing me in front of him. He just walked past and said “have fun mate” and winked at me. Get to hers, have drunk sex, nothing special. About three weeks later I got to the doctor because I’ve bumps on my dick. Herpes and chlamydia. I learnt my lesson, but fuck her and fuck him for not saying something.

Bubblewrap

My dog killed a hedgehog down the park the other day and it was honestly the most traumatising moment of my life. Nature is disgusting.

glint

I’m not a grower or a show-er.

Mummyissues

The other day my girlfriend came round my house and my mum started talking about embarrassing stories from when I was young. Things took a dark turn when she started talking about the time when I was five and she walked into her room to find me with her tights on and a boner. I genuinely think my gf’s contemplating breaking up with me now. Cheers mum.

creasy

One day during Gottwood festival I took a tab of acid accompanied with a concoction of other things. I ended up leaving my friends and walking round like a crab for hours, during this crabby state I released I hadn’t had a shit in three days so I ended up curling one out in a randomers nearby tent. Would’ve loved to see their reaction upon finding it.

poopchutesniffler

When I was 21 I was horny as fuck and stuck at Coventry train station with my then girlfriend. She suggested a quickie in the toilets to kill time and being the horny 21 year old I was I was game. It was literally all going well until a woman dashed into the next door cubicle and proceeded to have a really dirty shit complete with the kind of noises of satisfaction you make when you squeeze out a huge poo. Suffice to say I rapidly lost my boner and I think I died a little inside. Still, being the horny 21 year old I fucked the shit out of her again in the train toilets. Think ever since then the smell of shit has been a huge turn on for me.

[no name]

I steal sweets and snacks from the guy next to me at work all the time and when he complains I just say “yeah it’s fucked dude, things go missing around here all the time”

HenryWinkler

Last Sunday, on a heavy come down and hang over between the hours of 1.00pm and 6.00pm I managed to wank myself off to completion 5 times. A personal best. Can anyone beat that?

malvo1

I rock my 8 month old kid to sleep humming the Matthew McConaughey tune from Wolf of Wall Street and it works a charm

tonianking

I met up with an old school friend who I hadn’t seen in 3 years since school finished. He was always a bit weird but a safe guy. Anyway the second time we met he brought his little sister along to the pub who had grown into quite the fittie. Somehow she invited me to visit her at her uni during the week and her bro didn’t object or even react to it at all. On the day I was going up there my friend sends me a Facebook message and says he knows his sister wants to bang me, and he’s OK with it as long as I don’t ‘film it and put it on YouTube’. He basically organised and gave me his blessing to bang his little sister.

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[Note – the Confessions box appears to be broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous).

See you next Friday!