The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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daynnight

I got super stoned the other day and read through all of Apple’s terms & conditions

ninjaguy

My girlfriend has been telling me stories from her work week, TikTok etc since I got home at 5:30pm. It’s now 7:23pm and I haven’t said much other than “oh wow” or “that’s crazy”. I love her but cannot wait to get on Warzone with the boys tonight.

Whitey3000

Once in a club I accidentally stepped on a girl’s toe and accidentally grinded it with the heel of my shoe before I realised what was going on. She screamed in pain so I just quickly disappeared into the crowd. About a minute later I go back and find her crying and holding her foot on the floor. I asked if she needed help and ended the night pulling her and getting her number.

nonchalance

I take at least 3 shits a day, and sometimes up to 6 or 7 for a few months now. Should I be worried?

Tuba Dan

I work in recruitment and this week sorted out a guy who went to a state school over a guy who went to a private school even though the latter was more qualified for the job

MichaelTT

I used to be really fat and recently lost a ton of weight. At a mate’s birthday recently I ran into a girl who used to cuss the shit out of me in school and she’s BALLOONED the fuck up. I can’t begin to tell you how awesome that made me feel. Not really a confession but my proudest moment.

Dr. Pepsi

I’m 23 and have never had sober sex in my life

dudeirock

My friend’s girlfriend and I were extremely hot for each other but couldn’t do anything about it as we were both in relationships and all friends. One night we all got really high on MDMA and she and I wanted to have sex so we organized for me and her to do it and my girlfriend to have sex with my friend (her boyfriend/also my drug dealer). Was it worth it? Fucking yes it was. The sex was hotter then with my girlfriend. They still think it was a spontaneous thing.

Tom bom cruz

For a 18 months during my uni studies, i used to go to the common bathroom of the department. Since im a big fella, when i go… I GO BIG. Never once crossed my mind that there wasnt a male and female bathrooms even though i always heard women voices. One day there was a general announcement for a potential predator going into women’s bathrooms, which became the talk of the cafeteria. Thats where i found out there was a male bathroom on the other side of the wall, desgised behind the cleaning staff utilities!

johnnykarma

I got molested by a guy with Down’s Syndrome when I was 10.

Packman

Occasionally I cum in my girlfriend’s butt hole – it’s something we both enjoy very much. The last time we did it though she goes “watch this” and then farted my spunk back out of her butt. I think she thought it would turn me on but I found it absolutely disgusting. I think she’s gotten way too comfortable around me and I don’t like it.

Dgjgga

If my ethnic friends could hear the way my dad talks about Muslims and black people I’m pretty sure they’d stop hanging out with me on principle

Saullove

I’m 34, married, with a young boy and another one on the way. I’m happy with my life but have to admit sometimes I come home wanting to swap lives with my best mate who lives alone and spends all his free time getting stoned and playing video games with no one to answer to.

faceburner

I was at a house party at uni when I saw this girl who I had my eye on. We’re both drunk and we start talking and eventually dancing. We’re both talking shit and she tells me that her ex is here at the party with another girl. She’s clearly upset by it and start proper grinding and kissing me and grabbing my dick in front of him to make him jealous and I just roll with it. Anyway I look across the room and I see her ex screwfacing me, so drunk idiot that I am I wave at him while I grab a fat chunk of her arse. About 10 minutes later I’m walking to the bathroom and he does a run up and boots me in the back sending me flying into the door. First thing I realise is that my front two teeth are missing — they both got knocked clean out.

Now I’ve got two fake front teeth. I prefer not to taunt people’s exes these days.

Gary Oak

Whenever I go for a piss I blastoise (e.g the pokemon) which is when you pull your foreskin over your dick and let it fill up like a balloon, I haven’t pissed normally whilst standing up for years.

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[Note – the Confessions box appears to be broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous).

See you next Friday!