The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Wires66

Whenever someone tries to get on the tube before I jump off I barge them in the shoulder. Sounds like a dickhead move but really annoys me when they don’t follow the rules

imhardme

My girlfriend asks me to rate each blowjob she gives me out of 10. I’ve never given her highter than a 9. Got to keep her on her toes (or knees)

1nfected

I was at Maccy D’s the other day and one of the employees said to this black girl with an afro ‘Oh I like your hair, how long does it take to do it?’ The black girl went nuts at him about how it’s not appropriate to ask minorities those questions, especially black females. The fucked up thing is the worker was a gay Eastern European dude, probably the biggest minority in the room. Pissed me off and wish I’d spoken up for him.

drb

I am in love with my girlfriend’s 18 year old cousin. It sounds pathetic but I’d do anything to fuck her. I’m 25.

Sticky thumbs

I sometimes play on psn with a quiet girl that I work with who I don’t usually talk to. We were into a game late one night and I got a horn on so decided to pump out a silent danger wank to her casual gamer talk, whilst playing it cool on the mic. And we won.

Hidden2D

I have sex so rarely with my wife that I need to wank off so that I last longer than 30 seconds. The feeling of warm pussy on my penis has the same effect on me as it did when I was 16

notorious84

I took a girl back to my room at uni and despite her saying she’d only smoked weed once before I rolled a fat zoot of super skunk and we smoked it together. Well she went quiet and before I knew it she had turned green and tells me she feels like she’s going to have a heart attack. I tried to reassure her she was only pulling a whitey but her heart was pounding and she was asking me to call an ambulance. In the end I calmed her down by spoonfeeding her sugar and giving her water while she sat on the toilet. Then we fell asleep without having sex and I woke up in time to see her leaving my room in the morning. Note to self – have sex first next time.

Fml420

If I don’t keep my pubes trimmed my penis virtually disappears

overclocker

I’ve read a lot of stories and seen videos about police abusing their power and I always say well, if you didn’t break the law in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this position. I would always defend the police. Irony is I recently got fined for pissing in a side street and now I want all cops to die.

leshin

I think I would fuck pretty much anyone if I didn’t have to speak to them again and if no one would ever find out

DRitchie

I stayed an extra stop on the tube and made myself late to work because I had a raging boner that refused to go down

brook

I have bigger arms than my boyfriend

Chillen5

My girlfriend is depressed and was texting me all day while I was at work about how she was feeling etc. I managed to leave work early and drove to hers to surprise her. Ended up staying for 4 hours listening to her talk the most depressing shit I’ve ever heard and heard plenty of times before. Then she starts talking about ISIS and how there’s no point to anyone being alive and I finally snapped and went for fuck’s sake stop the fucking negativity. Everything is so negative negative negative! Fuck! She kicked me out of the house and told me I shouldn’t have bothered coming round. So yeah that was a waste of time

imdavid

When I was about 8 my dad told me that Japanese people were half fish half human. I said it out loud in class and the teacher destroyed me in front of everyone. I was so baffled I started crying. Never dawned on me my dad was just taking the piss

The Kid Frankie

A girl from my secondary school put a holiday photo up on Facebook and she’s got unbelievably hot, naturally I decided to beat off to it and as I cummed I, for some weird reason, said “that, is the business”.

Bills ‘n’ Gills and Jellyfish

When I fart in the same room as my dog it actually gets a bit of a stiffy

highlymotivated

I used to piss on the back of my calves every time I took a shit. Took a while to realise that it’s because my dick doesn’t hang low enough into the bowl so when I pee it passes through the gap underneath the toilet seat.

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[Note – the Confessions box appears to be broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous).

See you next Friday!